


Beautifully Broken

by Nina36



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 41,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nina36/pseuds/Nina36
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Years after the end of the show life has changed for both Jensen and Jared.Tragedy and self deception kept them apart, will they find their way back to each other?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beautifully Broken

 

The script had ended up among the ones sent to him by accident, or so his agent had sworn, later. Whatever the truth was it didn't matter; Jensen Ackles had read the script. A script for a pilot episode.

 

For two years he had stayed away from all of it. He hadn't stayed away from acting of course, that shit was his life; but the limelight? The paps? The questions? Not so much.

 

He had had a taste of what it really meant to be under the spotlight after the accident and it had been so sour that he had almost choked on it and even now, years later, it still lingered enough to keep him the fuck away from it.

 

His former agent had thought he was a crazy bastard, because just when he had made it...big time, he had decided – more like he had been forced to, actually – not to lose what was left of his sanity, to go...and do theater. No more movies or tv shows, no more interviews with assholes who asked all the questions he couldn't, wouldn't answer, no more paps stalking him everywhere he went, whether it was the grocery store or a cemetery.

 

In the end Jensen had gotten tired of trying to explain to his agent that living like a fucking animal on constant display wasn't really his thing...that yes, he could do some whoring out from time to time, but he liked to think that he had still a soul and some sense of self respect, so no...he would keep doing theater; yes, really, he wasn't high...as a matter of fact he hadn't had a drop of booze in his system ever since two days before the funeral. And yes, he had heard him right: he was fired.

 

Only Chris, of course, hadn't even pretended to buy on his act and hadn't beat around the issue when he had said, “It still happened, man....even if the questions stop. Even if you stop them. You'll still feel it.”

 

_Feel what?_ He had wanted to ask.

 

Shame? Guilt? Pain? All of the above? None?

Nothing at all because he was just too numb to feel a thing?

 

It didn't matter. He hadn't asked a damn thing and Chris had let it drop. So he had looked for another agent, and he had kept working in theater, in New York, studying his ass off in the meantime, because stage work was exhilarating, it gave him the privacy he wanted and needed when he didn't work, but people who came to see him every single day, people who paid to sit in front of him to watch him perform, deserved that he was always at the top of his game, even if some of them had been his fans ever since he had been just a young, pretty boy on Days of Our Lives.

 

All the tricks he had learned while working on tv, hadn't really prepared him for the feeling of performing on stage on a regular basis...but he had gotten better, and the parts had kept coming, meatier roles, but never in productions big enough to draw too much attention on himself.

 

There still were the random pics of him appearing on tabloids and they usually featured him, alone, holding a cup of coffee or a newspaper, his sunglasses on, walking somewhere, usually with a scowl on his face.

And he could deal with those kind of pictures.

 

His new agent, bless her heart, had been understanding, supportive and had done her job, that's why he hadn't immediately thrown away the script when he had realized what it was.

And really...was it already pilot season? Had he been out of the loop so much and so long that he had totally forgotten about stuff like that?

 

He had been tempted to just ignore the script and move on, but then the names attached to it had stopped him from doing that, instead he had brushed the title of the script with his fingertips before starting to read it, and it turned out that the script was  _awesome_ , he had felt a tingle of anticipation, of excitement that he hadn't felt in a really long time.

 

He had wanted to read for the part.

 

There were dozen of reasons why he shouldn't have called his agent and told her he wanted to read for  _VCS._ He had even listed all of them as he ate his dinner, feeling the food's taste for once.

 

It was likely that virtually everyone in town would be reading for that part.

 

Despite its acronym title, it was not an ensemble show or a procedural, that meant that if he ever got the part, he would have to burst his ass and carry half a show. Who, in his sane mind, would do that after seven seasons of a two leads show?

 

And there was the other reason; the  _real_ one: Gabriel Cole, the main character of VCS, for all his skills as an FBI agent and for all his badassery was, in a nutshell, a broken man, torn apart by the violent death of his wife and the abduction of his daughter. He wore a mask of politeness and cynicism, but truth was the guy was a wreck.

 

And that shit hit Jensen way too close to home. Who was he kidding? While reading the script he had felt like reading his own thoughts and deflection mechanisms on page. He knew Gabriel. He got him, because he was right there with him.

 

He almost didn't call his agent for that very reason...but in the end he had no choice but to call her. He just followed his gut instinct. After all he hadn't been wrong when it had suggested him to leave Los Angeles and go to New York.

 

Regardless of how broken Gabriel was on page, the script was really good, the dialogues were sharp, funny, engaging and the case Gabriel and his new partner, the rookie agent fresh out of Quantico, the romantic interest, investigated on, wasn't “procedural” at all, meaning that it hadn't bored him to tears within five pages.

 

And he was an actor, he thought. He was good at pretending. He was so good that only a handful of people really knew how screwed up he was these days...and there was only one person who had been there when he had really fallen apart.

 

Jared Padalecki, though, wasn't in his life any more. He had pushed him away and the fucker had respected him and his wishes. He still did.

 

He thought about his father, about what he would say if he got the part. If he actually went ahead, and read for that part. His father had been supportive, understanding, he had never pushed him...even when he had fled from Japan, during the press junket for his movie. When he had seen him on the porch of their house in the middle of the night, eyes bloodshot, weary to the bone, he hadn't said a single word to him. There hadn't been contempt in his eyes, only understanding. Only love. He had hugged him, gestured him inside, he had seen him to his old room and had let him sleep, handling the shitstorm that he had caused when he had fled.

 

Jensen felt that he would get why he wanted that part. He would still be understanding, even if he ended up playing a character whose personal tragedies mirrored his own. His father would get that he didn't want to expose himself or what had happened. He would get that maybe – just maybe - he needed to be himself for once...and if he could do that, and be openly messed up only by playing a broken and messed up cop turned FBI agent, he would understand.

 

Of course he didn't exactly think these things clearly, they lurked in the back of his mind, thoughts half formed and denied. Because he had mastered at self deception for the past two years, possibly even before the night of the accident.

 

The night Jensen Ackles read the script for the pilot episode of VCS, he just thought that if he ever was chosen to play Gabriel Cole, there would be questions. He thought that someone might even point out the similarities to his own life. Not that he thought he would really get the part, of course; he knew he was a decent actor and he had even got better, but for Hollywood standards, he was an 'has been' , a guy who had been in a few shows, had been a lead in one, had done a couple of successful movies and then had dropped below the radar, had pretty much disappeared from the big scene.

 

He shook his head and snorted before dialing his agent's number and when she picked up, he told her what he had decided. There, he had said it, now it was too late to take it back.

 

“Come again?” Julia Davidson asked, and she sounded genuinely confused. He could picture her frowning at his words.

 

Jensen tilted his head on a side, trying the ease the tension in his neck before slowly repeating, “I want to read for J.C. Adams' pilot!”

 

“Oh...” Julia's reaction was almost comical and Jensen actually let out a laugh when the woman on the other side exclaimed, “fuck me! I really didn't see this one coming!”

 

“Can you arrange this?” Jensen asked and was surprised at how strange it felt to hear genuine amusement in his own voice.

 

“Sweetheart, that's what I do...but are you sure? You have been...” She trailed.

 

“Yeah, I'm sure....” Jensen said curtly, interrupting her, “Look, the script is good...it's worth a try. Besides, they'll probably give the part to Kiefer Sutherland or some other big ass name, so what do you say?”

 

The woman didn't talk at first, and Jensen knew that Julia was probably thinking he had gone crazy; he had been adamant with his refusal to go anywhere close movie or tv work, but she had taken it like the pro she was and she still did, because she said, “No problems, Jensen. I'll call you tomorrow with the details and since you're still stuck with your gig, we'll set up a tape, ok?”

 

Jensen nodded saying, “It's worth a shot, anyway...”

 

“Jensen, you're kidding, right? This pilot is what everyone is talking about these days...of course it's worth a fucking shot!” Julia said, and Jensen thought that he had been right. He had been really out of the loop for too long, because he had had no idea about that pilot script, he had no idea about what and who was considered hot in Hollywood these days.

 

Except for Jared, of course. They might not be on speaking terms, but he still followed his career, and besides it was kinda hard to miss what he was up to, since two of his latest movies had been huge hits on the box office.

 

“That's why you sent me the script?” Jensen asked, and he wasn't angry, just curious, and there was no way he had asked his agent that question to stop thinking about Jared, to focus on something else that didn't have dimples and hazel eyes.

 

“No!” Julia exclaimed, “you said you were done with that life and I said I wouldn't push you. It was a mistake, honest!”

 

Jensen snorted and before he could say anything Julia sighed and said, “Look, I know you don't want to talk about what happened to your wife, but if you really want to do this, we'll have to, you know?”

 

He didn't even realize that he had clenched his jaw and gripped his thigh for a moment and when he did, he was quick to shake himself out of it and said, “We'll worry about it if we cross that bridge, Julia.”

 

He was glad that he only had to use his voice to be convincing, he didn't need to look in a mirror, to know that his face was in no way as calm and serene as his voice sounded.

He almost didn't hear Julia's words and chose to ignore how unconvinced she sounded at his words. He chose to believe he still did a hell of a job at convincing everyone that he was fine.

 

He hung up the phone, before either of them could say anything else. As he undressed to go to bed, without even bothering to turn on the lights in his bedroom, he kept saying to himself that it was not a big deal, that it was just a reading, that he just liked the character .

 

And he ignored the voice in the back of his mind that told him that it  _was_ a big deal, because for the first time in a very long time he felt real excitement and hope about something. For the first time in a very long time, he had just _felt_ something at all.

 

He ignored the voice in his head, mostly because it had sounded suspiciously like Jared's.

 

* * *

 

No one had seen him getting into the theater, but then again no one ever did. Over the past couple of years Jared Padalecki had gotten really good at becoming invisible when he needed to. Mostly, he thought with a snort, he had just learned how to have good timing.

 

No one knew he was there; he had snuck out of his hotel room, shut his cell phones – and he knew there would be hell to pay, later, but at the moment he couldn't bring himself to care - had waited until the play began before slipping unnoticed inside. Jared honestly didn't imagine he had it in him. Then again, he really didn't want people to know that he had gone to see his former co-star's play.

 

Nor did he particularly wanted people to know that he had made sure not to miss any of his plays, ever since Jensen had come to New York and started doing theater. He knew that there was nothing wrong with what he did, that he had nothing to hide, but if people ever found out, so would Jensen. And  _that_ could not happen. Ever.

 

_Please, Jared...just go away...go back to Gen. Please!_

 

Jared sighed, shaking with practiced ease the recollections from his mind, now if he started not to suck at shake away the pain those words and memories caused, he'd be just peachy! It wasn't supposed to still hurt like that. Not after two years.

 

He was supposed to be happy! He had a good life: the nicest family, a good career, Gen, people he could call friends...and yet here he was, using time he didn't really have to go and watch the play of a man he he hadn't seen or talked to for almost three years, and he was staying hidden so that no one would recognize him, so that no one would know, especially Jensen...and that was stupid! Because there hadn't been a fall out with Jensen Ackles, because when asked about each other, they  _still_ had each other's backs, that was still a given. They still supported each other.

 

“ _He's doing great and I'm proud of him. Very proud!”_ Jensen's answers were always along these lines when he was asked about him and his movies, and Jared felt that it was the truth. Maybe because he felt the same things, or because he was still downright enthusiastic about Jensen's career choice of doing theater when asked, but mostly it was because there hadn't been a real fight between them. Not in the very end, when Jensen had asked him, begged him to leave him alone, to get out of his life.

 

If Jensen had been an asshole, if they had fought, Jared wouldn't have been there, watching his former co-star....

 

_friend, lover and everything in between..._

 

on stage, owning the play, the character and the fucking audience. Not that it was anything new; Jensen has always been a good actor. Jared recalled how in awe he had been while watching him play Dean, while he had watched him becoming the tortured hunter. It wasn't surprising that he had gotten even better.

 

And he hadn't been an asshole.

 

He had been desperate, they had both been that night, after the funeral. Jared thought, as he watched Jensen – his hair longer than he had it on his last play, sporting a beard, dressed in black from head to toe – playing fucking  _Iago,_ with a subtlety and a coldness that chilled him to the bone, that maybe he would go backstage to him, after the play, this time. He would smile at him, play it cool, even if he'd have to rely on his acting skills to actually pull it off, and he would make sure Jensen was alright, that they were still good.

 

Maybe he would even stop feeling so fucking empty...

 

Jensen stepped at the center of the stage and Jared's breath caught in his throat as he looked at the older man's eyes: the look in them was haunted, and Jared knew Jensen enough to know that it had nothing to do with Iago's vendetta or his hatred for Othello.

 

And for a moment – although he intellectually knew that there was no way Jensen could have spotted him - his eyes seemed to bore into his, reaching his very soul, pleading

 

_It has nothing to do with love...or...anything. Please, I'm begging you, man! Leave me alone..._

 

Jared had actually to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat. He wished nothing more than letting Jensen know that he was there, for him, that nothing had changed, that he had been full of shit thinking that three years would be enough, because truth was things would  _never_ change. Not for him, not in his heart.

 

He wished he could lead a standing ovation for him, just like he had done once, and have him smile, just for him, and feel stupidly, deliriously happy for that, because he had made him happy, because he had made his Jensen smile. Because Jensen was  **his** .

 

He wished...so many things that couldn't be, that could never be. He knew that he couldn't do any of the things he wanted to; there wouldn't be shy smiles, awkward reunions, bear hugs. There wouldn't be truths or lies.

 

He would leave after the play ended, he would go back to his hotel, he would listen to his agent bitch about his disappearance, he would listen to Genevieve asking him over the phone, why he had shut off his cell phones and where the hell he had been – or maybe not, Gen seemed to have an All Things Jensen Radar and knew when to ask questions and when to shut up – and he would still feel empty.

 

And Jensen's absence in his life would still hurt.

 

It would still hurt.

 

He kept watching Jensen, from afar, just like he had done for the past two years, because he had asked, begged him to leave. Because Jensen was broken and somehow Jared felt, knew that it was all his fault.

 

* * *

 

Last time Jensen had felt so confident about a reading he had ended up playing Dean Winchester for seven years. And after the phone call from Julia, who had succinctly told him to get his ass in Los Angeles because the executives had loved his screen test and wanted him to read again, his confidence had raised up a notch. The callback couldn't have come at a better time, he had mused, it had happened just a few days after the end of his gig.

 

He had survived doing Shakespeare. Granted, it hadn't been Royal Shakespeare Company, but still...he had played Iago and the critics hadn't ripped him a new one, his co-stars hadn't been self centered douche-bags, and even his dad had been proud. Hell, seeing some of his friends sit through Shakespeare and actually enjoying it, had been worth the whole hell he had put himself through to pull it off.

 

He hadn't been in Los Angeles for two years and from the moment he had stepped outside LAX he had refused to dwell on the whys and hows. He had focused on the callback, on the script's pages he knew by heart. He had focused on Gabriel, thinking about the fact that they had loved his screen test. He had to make sure that they loved his callback even more.

 

And they had. The character just clicked with him, he had slipped into it seamlessly and he had been surprised to find out that it wasn't just because of Gabriel's issues.

 

Judging by the fact that he was having lunch with both his agent and his publicist, he thought that maybe, after all, he was right to feel confident. Jensen had a hate/love relationship with his publicist: he loved Maureen, he really did. The woman never beat around the bush, had a wicked sense of humor and actually gave a damn about him as a person. It was her job Jensen hated with a passion.

It was that simple, really.

 

To think he had really believed he had put all the PR shit behind him when he had moved to New York two years before, he thought, deciding to pay attention to what the two women were saying, while he sipped his iced tea.

 

Maureen eyed him and she seemed to sense his discomfort, because she tilted her head on a side, narrowed her blue eyes for a moment and then said, “Looks like we're back in the game, pal! I can say that because you're already throwing daggers at me with those big eyes of yours.”

 

Jensen shook his head, wishing to fuck off his policy of no drinking and said, “I still haven't got the part, Maureen”

The woman raised an eyebrow and shot a glance at Julia, who was sitting at her right.

 

“What?” Jensen asked. He felt hopeful..and scared to death at the same time. Fuck, he wasn't used to feeling that many things at once, not any more and he had to blame himself for that. He had wanted that reading, had wanted to ...

 

To do what, exactly? In that precise moment he wanted nothing more than getting the hell away from that restaurant, and go back to his comfort zone. To the numbness.

 

Julia looked at him for a moment, before saying, “I've had a chat with J.C and the executives, Jensen...”

 

“And?” Jensen prodded.

 

That was supposed to be good news: the creator of the show he had auditioned for talking to his agent meant that he was right feeling confident, then why Julia and Maureen kept exchanging worried glances?

 

“The good news is that they really like you,” Julia said and Jensen could hear the sigh in her voice, “J.C wants you, he's actually putting his foot down with the executives to have you. So it looks like Kiefer Sutherland won't get this one,” The woman trailed and exchanged a glance with Maureen.

 

“But?” Jensen asked, and he was really starting to get pissed off. He hated the glances the two women were exchanging, almost as if they were afraid he would snap in the middle of the restaurant and make a scene or, worse, break down and cry any time. Like he was broken.

 

Maureen's sharp features softened, the woman looked genuinely concerned for him, for a moment – which pissed Jensen off even more – then asked, “Jensen, are you sure this is a good idea?”

 

Jensen frowned, honestly puzzled by the woman's words. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

Now it was Maureen's turn to look pissed off, while Julia watched them intently.

 

“Look,” Maureen said, “you heard the good news: they like you, they want you. The bad news is that they want the _whole_ package. You know what I mean?”

 

Jensen's hand clenched around his glass, so suddenly and so strongly that he was surprised the glass didn't shatter. Of course he knew what Maureen meant, he had half expected that, and the worst thing was? He got their way of thinking, he really did. That was one of the reasons why he had left Los Angeles in the first place.

 

“Jensen, let me recap this for you: a few years ago you made a movie, a fucking unexpected blockbuster, you were the new Clooney, do you remember? Then six months later...”

 

“Maureen!” He hissed interrupting her.

 

The older woman cocked her head on a side and said, “Hear me out, so that we're clear on this and then  **maybe** we can talk business, ok?”

 

Jensen opened his mouth to object. He didn't need to hear the story, for God's sake! He had been there!

 

_No you weren't. Not when it really mattered._

 

Jensen let out a sigh and gestured the woman to continue, Maureen shot another glance at Julia before saying, “don't you see? You can't even hear it! How do you expect us to believe you'll not freak out on us?”

 

“It was one time! It only happened once!” Jensen said. And he was surprised that his voice didn't come out as sharp and outraged as he had meant.

 

“True,” Maureen concurred., “and that's the only reason they cut you some slack at the time. Because of the circumstances!” She sighed and muttered under her breath, “how generous of them!”

 

Julia, in the meantime, wasn't saying a word. She knew the story, of course, but at the time she hadn't been working for him.

 

“As I was saying,” Maureen said, all crisp professionalism and a no-non sense attitude, almost as if she wasn't about to bring up what had happened, knowing that Jensen did not want to hear it. Doing it for that very reason. “Six months later something happened, something terrible...”

 

She stopped talking and pointedly looked at him. She wanted him to say the words. She wanted him to continue the tale, to see if he was ready. If he could pull it off without freaking out or breaking down, or both.

 

He didn't close his eyes, he didn't sigh or clench his jaw. He had full control of his voice, of his body language. He had worked hard to achieve that kind of control, he had needed to, so he locked gazes with the woman, ignoring the hammering in his chest, the way his stomach seemed to be clenched in a vice and said, “My wife was killed in a car accident. She was pregnant at the time.”

He actually smirked at the woman and said, “Shall I go on?” He did wait for the woman to talk, when she didn't he said, “I wasn't here in Los Angeles when it happened, I had just wrapped a movie in Chicago, the studio put me on a private plane as soon as I heard.”

He leaned over the table, lowering his voice and added, “Do you want me to go on, Maureen? 'Cause I can, you know? Want to hear the sad story? Want some details about my baby girl?”

 

His voice broke at those words and he had to fight the bile he felt rising in his throat. He suddenly felt his chest burn with a breath he wasn't even aware he was holding back, he felt his eyes stinging with unshed tears, but he didn't budge. He couldn't.

 

Maureen was looking at him and he noticed that she had paled at his words. It was the first time they had actually talked about Danneell and the accident, it was the first time he had even hinted at his daughter.

 

“Jensen...” both Maureen and Julia said. He looked at them waiting for one of them to speak, when neither did he asked, “anything else?”

 

When neither women spoke, he looked away, taking his time while he drank his now lukewarm tea -- and he would have killed for a shot of Jack's in that moment -- only when he put his glass on the table, did he talk, his voice low and controlled, “Let's talk business: Gabriel is a character! It's not me! I won't pull any shit if I actually get the part. Tell you what: you guys spin a story about my come back, about whatever you want, put it down on writing and I'll learn it.” He looked at the women and smirked, and he hated how that smirk felt on his face. He hated the conversation they were having, but he kept talking, “You know? I kinda do that for a living...it's called acting!” It hurt to keep smirking when looking at Maureen and only at her he added in a low voice, “It wouldn't be the first time after all, would it?”

 

He had known something like that could happen and he hadn't even stopped and wondered whether he was ready.

 

He had uttered those words to the two women, as bile rose in his throat, he had given them the facts, the clif notes version of what had happened. He had given them some of the truths. But not every single one and Jensen saw that there were still questions and doubts in Julia's eyes.

 

Could he pull it off? Could he actually play that guy on a regular basis without turning into a male, grown up version of Lindsay Lohan?

 

And then there was Maureen; he had known her for a long time and he knew she had many unanswered questions as well, not only about the present, but about the past, as well. He knew she still had questions about that night. Because Julia hadn't been part of his life at the time, but Maureen had been there every step of the way, long before the accident.

 

She had even tried to ask some questions once; Jensen hadn't bothered to answer any of them, but he still recalled them. Every single one.

 

_Why was he there with you?_

 

Jared had been with him when the phone call from L.A had come. The whys didn't matter though and sure as hell, Jensen wasn't going there now. Not while he was being tested by the two women.

 

_Why did you bring him with you to the hospital?_

 

He didn't remember what had really happened. He had seen pictures and TMZ videos of that night, but he couldn't recall if he had asked Jared to go with him or if it had been him who had volunteered. For all he knew it might have been telepathy. All he knew, all he could remember from those hours was that Jared had been the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

 

_What the hell were you thinking?_

 

He weren't. From the moment he had opened the door to his hotel room and had seen Jared's smiling face, to the moment he had begged him to leave him alone, to go back to his wife, the night of the funeral, he hadn't been thinking: too much had happened. Sometimes he still felt like that, like he wasn't really thinking, like he wasn't even real any more.

 

So yes, Maureen didn't know a lot of things, and none of them really mattered. Not any more. He was an actor, a good one, he was good at pretending. He could play that guy and could pretend he was keeping his shit together.

 

Maureen shook her head, tucking away her silent questions and sipped some water from her glass. In the end it was Julia who talked; Julia, who had never met Danneell, who had never seen her pregnant, glowing with happiness, pissed at him for some stupid thing one moment and then a minute later apologizing and blaming it all on her crazy hormones.

 

Julia had never seen the two caskets being lowered to the ground in Lousiana while he stood there, motionless, hearing the pastor's words without really understanding their meaning. His mind stuck on a thought, going on in his mind, like in a loop, “why am I still here? It should have been me.”

Julia didn't know one Jared Padalecki, except for the fact that he was successful actor on his own, she knew squat about the man who had once been his

 

_Everything_

 

closest friend. Julia, whom even if she had known about it, wouldn't have cared one way or another, cocked an eyebrow at him and said, “Nice, Jensen. Very nice! Want to talk business? Let's!”

 

**Part I**

 

Three Months Later

 

“New Zealand... ” Genevieve said in a low voice.

 

Jared shifted on the couch, turning his head to look at her. Genevieve's voice had been barely more than a whisper, mingling with the noise coming from the tv, but he had heard her loud and clear.

 

It was such a rare occurrence to actually have a quiet evening at home, away from all kind of job related events both Genevieve and he had often to attend. They had been watching a movie, sprawled on the couch of their living room, like normal, regular people, when he had dropped the bomb. She had known about the movie, but not about its location.

 

To be honest he hadn't known the movie would be shot in New Zealand at the beginning; problem was he would have accepted, even if he had known. Location of the movies he shot had stopped being in issue for him.

 

He hadn't told Genevieve...and he had no clue as to why. Sure, she had been in Seattle, on location for her tv show quite a lot, but that wasn't an excuse.

 

“New Zaeland...” Genevieve repeated, she shrugged her shoulders and said, “and you...what? You forgot to mention it until now? You didn't think it was something I needed to know?”

 

She still hadn't raised her voice, she was looking at him, her arms crossed over her chest, her face suddenly very pale, her dark eyes bright with unshed tears.

Jared tilted his head down, he couldn't deal with how bright her eyes were in that moment; it only made the magnitude of his screw up even more real.

 

What could he tell her? Was there something he could say that wouldn't add insult to injury?

 

He had really screwed up, that time.

 

_Wouldn't be the first..._ a voice in the back of his mind supplied and Jared chose to ignore it. He had had fights with Genevieve about his job for the past year and half. He had worked a lot, that much was true. He had been very lucky to be a working actor, to have the chance to work on some good movies, and he had made a point of reminding Genevieve of that. He had tried to explain to her that he still didn't have the luxury to pick and choose his projects or to make only one movie each year. His career was doing alright, but he still wasn't an A lister. Things had gotten better when she had gotten a part as one of the leads on a tv show. Maybe not better...but they had, at least, stopped arguing about his job.

 

That time, though, it was different, and he knew that.

 

Whatever had possessed him both to accept that part so soon after his latest movie and not tell Genevieve about its location?

He honestly didn't know.

 

“You could at least dignify me with an answer!” Genevieve exclaimed, and Jared realized he still hadn't said a word to his wife. He wasn't even looking at her, his head was still tilted down.

 

“You're right.” He said, tilting his head up to look at her, “It was a shitty thing to do, I know, but...”

 

“I know I'm right, Jared!” She hissed, bolting up from the couch, “Believe me, shitty doesn't even begin to cover it!”

 

Genevieve wasn't raising her voice, Jared noticed. She was looking at him, disbelief and hurt in her eyes and features. She shook her head and said, “you said you wouldn't get jobs outside the States when I got the part in the show, remember?”

 

Jared flinched at Genevieve's words: shit, he had completely forgotten about  _that_ ! When had he turned into a such lousy husband?

 

Genevieve looked at him, for a moment, and Jared had no doubts that she knew that he had forgotten about his promise. Did she also suspect that he had completely forgotten about her show? That he had signed a contract without thinking about anything, not even if the part was good or not?

 

“I can't believe it...” she mumbled running her hands through her hair.

 

To think he had been making an effort to make things better lately, he had tried not to be away too much, to be a supportive husband as Gen's show was doing good. And before he had dropped that bomb, things seemed to be going smoothly between them: no awkward silences, no fights, there had been even the chance of some sex, before he opened his mouth and mentioned the movie's location to Gen.

 

“Gen...” He trailed.

 

Genevieve wasn't looking at him; she was pacing the living room, hugging her arms, her peace slow and measured. He was trying to understand what the hell he had done and why, but his mind was blank...except for images of a hotel room in Chicago, that had no place in what was happening in that moment.

 

_What are you doing here?_

 

_I needed to see you..._

 

Jared swallowed. He had gotten so good at blocking those memories of that night – and the hundreds before that – from his mind that it had almost become second nature to him, yet the images, the recollections were still there, lurking just beneath the surface, ready to fill out his mind, on the most inappropriate times.

Like in that moment.

 

“The thing is...” Genevieve suddenly said, and Jared actually started, and looked at her: she was standing still, just a few feet away from him, her arms still crossed over her chest, and for some reason she seemed so much further away from him in that moment.

 

God...he had screwed up so badly that time!

 

Genevieve sighed and said, “I had stopped working when we got married because I wanted to support you, because I thought that it was what  _you_ needed!”

 

Jared furrowed his brow, “I never asked you to...”

 

“You're right!” Genevieve interrupted him, “You never did.” She tilted her head on a side, and Jared's stomach clenched when he noticed that she was considering his words, musing on them.

He thought about the first couple of years of his marriage; he had still been in Vancouver, acting basically 24/7. He had played Sam Winchester, he had played Jensen Ackles's best friend, he had played Genevieve Cortese's husband.

He had played being happy.

 

It had been a whole new level of let's pretend, and the worst thing was, he had actually believed he had been doing the right thing, for everyone.

 

_Why?_

 

_I missed you...I miss you...._

 

“You're right, you never did. You never said a damn thing!” Genevieve exclaimed, breaking his train of thought, “I wanted to be your _wife_! I wanted to stay with you, because you were up there and I thought you wanted me around!”

 

“And I did!” Jared exclaimed, trying to squelch the panic he could hear in his own voice.

 

Genevieve scoffed at his words, “Right!” She said, “is that why you  **always** flew here on weekends and didn't want me anywhere near Vancouver?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Jared asked, “this is our home!” He had raised his voice, but found himself looking away from Gen when she shook her head, even to his own ears they sounded false.

 

That was the house he lived in when he didn't work, the place where he kept his stuff, but it didn't feel like home and it didn't matter how much he had wished it did.

 

Home was...

 

_Move in with me, man...I mean, you're always here anyway..._

 

Home was a state of mind he seemed unable to grasp any longer, one he had given up on.

 

Genevieve was still looking at him, and Jared noticed the way she was clenching her jaws, knowing that she was trying hard, very hard not to drag that argument into a full blown fight. She always did. She always stopped before things got too ugly.

 

“But then again,” she said, her voice dripping with bitterness, “you didn't say a thing when I started auditioning again...not even once!”

 

She sighed, and for a moment her shoulders sagged, he could see her losing her battle to stop herself, not to let things get too far and he wondered how long had she done so.

 

“I was...” Jared trailed and he hated himself, because he didn't even feel like talking, like trying to explain himself. What the fuck was wrong with him?

 

“What! Happy for me, Jay?” she let out a tired, watery chuckle and added, “when are you around to _know_ if I'm happy? When do you notice me? Tell me, I'm curious!”

She angrily wiped away tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands and looked at him, and Jared felt his own heart breaking for Gen...because from the look in her eyes he saw how helpless she felt in that moment, how unhappy she really was.

 

Talking to her, now, asking questions, trying to reassure her would only make things worse, it would made them even more painfully clear than they already were. He wondered for a moment how long Genevieve had been unhappy; how long had she tried to hold things together?

 

He...was past the point of being unhappy...but  _his_ feelings weren't the issue.

 

He shook his head and covered his face with both his hands, but jerked his head up and looked at his wife when she asked, “Why did you  _really_ sign for that movie, Jared? You don't really need it!”

 

She was right: he had press junkets to do for other projects he had worked on. He could have waited...but he hadn't and he had wondered as well. Even his agent, that greedy bastard, had.

 

All he knew was that he had been in New York, doing interviews for a movie when the offer had come and he had accepted it, on a whim. Had it been before or after he had gone and seen Jensen's play? Had it been before or after he he had watched Jensen getting out from the theater, alone, and his throat had burned with the effort not to call out his name?

 

He had watched Jensen getting into his car, wondering  _why_ exactly they weren't together,  _why_ it was still so hard to abide to his wishes and, not for the first time, he had wondered whether Jensen felt the same kind of ache he did, if he thought about them at all...or if his mind and heart were still stricken with grief to let anything else in.

 

“ _I'm going to be a father, Jay...can you believe it?”_

 

_“They let me held her...she is so beautiful, Jay...”_

 

He didn't remember, he didn't even have the strength to, not in that moment.

 

“Is it because we talked about having a baby?” Genevieve asked, crossing the distance between them, and Jared hated himself in that moment, because it was like his thoughts, his memories were being heard loud in the room and it was breaking his wife’s heart. He hated the desperation in Genevieve’s voice, and hated himself for the silent question in her eyes, “ _Is it because of me? Was I the one who fucked this up?_ ”

She hadn’t…and it wasn’t because she wanted to have children and he didn’t.

 

“No! God, no! Sweetie, that has nothing to do with it!” He exclaimed and saw some of the tension leaving Gen’s body; she got closer to him and Jared had to fight back the urge to look away from her.

 

What was wrong with him? He  _loved_ Genevieve! He hated seeing her suffer! And yet, apparently, he couldn’t even stand to look at her for too long in that moment.

 

He tensed as Genevieve looked at him and she jerked her hand away before saying, “You said you wanted to wait,” she crouched in front of him, searching his eyes, her hands on either sides of his thighs, “but what are we supposed to wait for, Jay?” her voice was louder now, thick with tears she was stubbornly refusing to shed.

 

Maybe because she was hurting too much, Jared thought. He sighed and stretched a hand to brush her hair, but she shook her head and stood up. That was definitely a sore point between them - one of the many.

 

“Gen…” He said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “you know how I feel about this. I’m not ready to be a father. I just want to…”

 

“Oh, give me a break!” Gen exclaimed, interrupting him, “what exactly are we waiting for , Jared? Answer my question!”

 

She took a deep breath and bitterly smiled, and for a moment Jared was reminded of her playing Ruby.

 

“Maybe _you_ are waiting for _him_ to get better? Is that it, Jared? Am I even close? Or maybe you’re waiting for _your_ hurt to stop?”

 

She had talked quickly, each word slicing through something Jared wasn’t even aware it had been there to begin with. Her words hurt him, but it just took a look at Gen to get that they were hurting her too.

 

She had never even come close to that subject. The subject being Jensen and why they didn’t talk to each other any more…or why he had been with him the night Danneel had died.

 

“ _Don’t send me away, please…”_

_“Just…shut up, Jay! I missed you too…”_

 

…or why he refused to talk about all of it, with everyone. It looked like Genevieve was sick and tired of playing dumb.

 

“How long until you stop feeling guilty for what happened to Jensen? How’s that your fault?”

 

Jared looked at her, narrowing his eyes, ignoring the anger he could feel burning inside of him at her words. Anger and shame, because it  _was_ his fault; he might not have been the drunk asshole who had killed Danni and their baby girl..but somehow Jared knew he was to blame.

 

And it didn't matter if Jensen had never blamed him, not even in the first terrible hours while his world, the life he had built had crumbled down upon him. Jared knew. It was his fault.

 

Jared looked at his wife, noticing how shocked she looked. She probably hadn't meant to ever bring Jensen's name up. He had been good at the game of pretending, but he hadn't been the only one. Genevieve had played the game too and she was now pleading him with her eyes, waiting for him to say something, anything that might revert things to the status quo.

 

When he didn't talk, didn't answer her, Genevieve let out a sob and Jared had to blink his eyes, to shake away the sudden stinging in them. Genevieve wiped away some tears from her cheeks with the back of her hands and said in a low voice, “How is that  _my_ fault?”

 

Her voice was almost like a physical blow to Jared; he looked at her...really looked at her, realizing fully, and for the first time, how hard the last few years must have been for her, how much she had tried to support him, to give him time and space. Had he really been that blind? Had he really been so wrapped up in his own guilt and issues that he hadn't noticed what he had done to his wife?

 

He had thought he had protected her, not letting her in his clusterfuck of mind state. Had he really been so self centered?

 

“This” He said slowly, looking at her, “has nothing to do with him, Gen...and you know that!”

 

Still a bastard. Still ready to deny Jensen's role in his life...and to defend his name at the same time.

Still a liar. They couldn't bring Jensen into that mess, though...even if it had everything to do with him. It always had, even before that night in Chicago.

 

Genevieve didn't buy his words and shook her head, a bitter smile tugging at the corner of her lips, “Of course it doesn't!” She said, “Could have fooled me, though!”

 

“Gen...honey...please!” Jared pleaded as he got up from the couch, taking a few steps toward her. His wife, though, stopped him hissing, “You know what, Jay? Forget it! Just...forget it! I'm going to bed...I have an early flight tomorrow!”

 

She didn't even look at him as she stalked out of the living room. He heard her footsteps climbing the stairs to the upper floor and sighed when she heard a door slamming. He rubbed his face with his hands, suddenly feeling very tired.

 

He knew he should follow her to the bedroom. It was what he was supposed to do. He was supposed to go to his wife and convince her that he wanted to work out the problems between them. He was supposed to go to her and tell her that he would call his agent right the fuck now and tell him that he wanted out of that movie, his career be damned, because their marriage was more important than everything else. He was supposed to go to her and reassure her that she was wrong thinking that their marriage was over. He was supposed to tell her that she was wrong thinking that he was in love with someone else.

 

He was supposed to, at least, try.

 

As he sat on the couch, angrily wiping away unwelcome tears of shame and regret from his eyes, he knew that he wouldn't follow Genevieve. He wouldn't tell her that she was wrong. He just didn't have the strength to.

 

He just couldn't pretend any more.

 

* * *

 

**December 2005**

 

It was his fault if they had been running late, taking care of his dogs, while still fighting the hangover from hell wasn't a walk in the park, and he had come back to hi room at least twice, once for the passport – couldn't come back to the States without it – and once to make sure, on Jensen's insistence, that he hadn't forgotten anything else – he had, in fact: the keys to his L.A. Apartment, not that Jensen would _ever_ know about it - 

Jensen had waited on him, pale and with sunglasses on, fighting his own hangover, drinking coffee.

 

“Do you want an IV of that stuff?” Jared had asked when they had finally got into the car waiting for them.

 

“Yes, please...” Jensen had replied, still sipping his coffee, while handing him one another giant cup of it.

 

“Oh, man....” Jared said, “I'll never, _ever_ drink again...” he said, closing his eyes for a moment.

 

Jensen chuckled at his words, he patted him on the back and said, “Sure thing, I guess I'll keep last night's pictures for posterity then”

 

Jared tilted his head up, wincing in pain – damn it all...had he really drunk the whole open bar at the wrap party? - “Which pictures?” he asked.

 

Jensen gave him his best smile, getting comfortable in the backseat of the car, his sunglasses still firmly on.

 

“Oh,” He said after a second, “Nothing really embarassing...just a last hurrah to booze, apparently”

 

“Which...pictures?” Jared asked again. He had vague recollections of the previous nights, he remembered some very loud music, some of the girls dancing with each other, laughter and the taste of salt, lime and tequila...

There had also been flashes from time to time, he might have made some funny face, it was hard to remember, since he still felt numb – besides that spot behind his eyes that hadn't stopped partying, apparently. -

 

“Oh, don't worry, Jay, your secret is safe with me” Jensen said, he waited until Jared had been sipping from his coffee before saying, “Of course until you get more famous than Brad Pitt, in which case, I'll sell 'em out...”

 

Jensen chuckled at Jared's fit of cough, but still wasn't looking at him, he was still hidden behind his shades, and not for the first time Jared wondered who was his costar, really...

 

It was not a philosophycal question...but the man sitting next to him always kept him guessing: shy, reserved, goofball, sarcastic, sweet...he could be a consumate asshole when he wanted, but he was also one of the most honest, stand up men he had ever met.

And that had to be the booze still talking, he could not have spent minutes staring at his costar, wondering about him. Things didn't go that way.

 

_He_ didn't go that way.

 

“So...” He said while they were nearing the airport, “any big plans for this break?”

 

“Yep...getting acquainted with a bed, a pillow and sleep...” Jensen replied. There was a hint of weariness in his voice; Jensen loved the show, he loved every aspect of it, and he adored playing Dean Winchester, that didn't mean he wasn't tired, though...or that he didn't worship his pillow more than many people he knew

 

“ _It's not my fault you're a hyperactive freak, Padaleki_... _now lemme sleep”_

 

Jared smiled, and really...he had hit jackpot the day he had met Jensen and they had been cast together to play Dean and Sam. The work could become exhausting, but the past months had flown by, and he had heard the whispers about how their set was one of the best around, as far as morale. He was proud of that...and proud of working with Jensen...

 

...and why did he suddenly felt like a weight had been dropped on his gut? He was at the airport, he was going back home, he'd rest, eat, spend time with Sandy, his family and friends...and yet, he felt how heavy his steps were becoming.

 

“Dude...you ok?” Jensen asked when they stopped in front of Jared's gate. Jared shook his head, and gave his costar a smile; no reason to act like a moron just because he had suddenly realized he would miss him.

It was stupid...and it meant he definitely needed some time off.

 

“Try not to eat your parents out of their house” Jensen said as way of greeting. Neither of them moved, both of them holding their duffel bags, and Jared was unsure about what to do for a moment and then he closed the distance between Jensen and he and enveloped his friend in one armed hug.

 

A manly hug, of course...one that maybe lasted too much, especially when he felt the normally reserved Jensen hugged him back, and Jared vaguely noticed how well Jensen's chin fit against the crook of his shoulder, and that thought scared him shitless...yet he didn't let go of Jensen, he just mumbled, “Sell those pics and you're dead, Ackles...”

 

Jensen laughed while he broke the embrace and Jared felt dizzy for a moment, like there had been an Earthquake and he had been the only one noticing it.

Jensen took some steps back, still looking at him and said, “And check your phone, genius”

 

He didn't leave him time to answer, for some reason Jared's tongue was stuck that morning, whereas his mind was spinning, racing, and his heart kept beating too fast...too fast for a winter morning, the first of their Christmas Break, too much for a short ride on a SUV with a man he saw everyday.

 

While he boarded on the plane he realized that Jensen hadn't taken out his glasses, he also realized that he had really shaven, not the messy job he did during shooting days...and that his smile, the one he had given him just before disappearing among the crowd was breathtaking.

 

He also realized that he was totally, completely fucked, especially when he checked the pictures on his cellphone, just like Jensen had suggested.

 

 

**New Zealand**

 

He still had those pictures: two very drunk friends hanging all over each other, during a Christmas party...but there were three he hadn't stopped looking at for hours. He didn't know who had taken the first, it was surprisingly clear for a cell picture – Serge? Kim? Kripke? - Jensen and he were just talking, sitting at a table littered with beers, Jensen's right hand was around a bottle, and his eyes were twinkling with amusement at something he was saying.

They were looking at each other and even if to that day Jared didn't remember a lot of that night – he really had drunk himself stupid – he had no troubles recognizing those looks...

 

God, they really had been transparent...and judging by the other pictures, completely oblivious of each other's feelings at the time.

 

In the second picture Jensen was smiling, he was drunk, but there was an air of peace about him, of serenity that Jared remembered. He recalled how much he loved to be the cause of that look in Jensen's eyes...and he knew, felt that Jensen had been looking at him when that picture had been taken, he recognized that look...fuck, there wasn't a day he didn't think, at least once, that one time he had been lucky enough to be **that** loved by another human being.

 

The third picture was one of himself, looking somewhere...possibly at Jensen, he wasn't sure, he had been looking at it for hours, because he had recalled that it had been during a plane ride from Vancouver to Texas, while looking at that very picture that he had realized he was falling in love with Jensen Ackles.

 

Cut to a decade later, and he was still there...of course things were different...those last few years had been a whirlwind of work, lies and unshed tears...but the truth of the matter was still that: he was in love with Jensen Ackles.

 

His marriage was going down the crapper, the movie he was shooting sucked, and he had just gotten a text from Sera Gamble, of all people, telling him that Jensen had been cast as the lead in the newest J.C. Adams show and the talk of the town was that the pilot was very good. Incredibly good even.

 

“I'm not surprised, Jensen is **that** good” It had been Jared's short and curt reply to Sera's text.

He knew the woman, he had known her for a very long time, he had known her, when she had tried to play the part of their friend, leading them toward their decisions, for the sake of everyone.

He knew what she had been trying to say with her text as well.

 

_Jensen is moving on, what about you?_

 

He looked again at the pictures in his cellphone, as he waited for some P.A. To call him for another shot, he saw again the two drunk friends, so young...and so stupidly in love with each other.

 

How could he move on from _that?_ How could he if he was stuck in a web of years and years of fuck ups?

 

He would have to...once that movie was finished, he would have to, even if it meant to let all the charade falling down.

 

 

 

***

**Three months later.**

 

 

Jensen hadn't been really surprised when the show had been picked up. Shooting the pilot had been an almost surreal experience. It had been clear, from the first moment, that the network believed in the project, the pilot alone had cost a shitload of money. They had been still skeptic about him and some of them had had doubts about Eliza, but all the doubts had vanished after they had seen the pilot.

 

J.C. had been right, they were the perfect choices for the characters he had created, the interaction between the two characters had been strong and had made the story work. He had had to work on the chemistry with his co stars, though. He had had to put effort into it, a conscious effort, but it had paid off.

 

Not only had the show been picked up, but after the fourth episode aired and the ratings kept going higher and higher, he realized he was the star of an actual  _motherfucking_ hit show. People watched the show, they talked about it around water-coolers the day after it aired, they talked about it on the internet – and both Eliza and he knew better than to go and look at what they were saying. They had both been on cult shows, they both knew how dedicated fans could be and how scary. So they had decided right off the bat, to stay the hell away from it.

 

The press loved the show, they were getting good coverage and good reviews...and Jensen would have found the whole thing awesome or hysterical, if he wasn't feeling suffocating half of the time. He had thrown himself in the work, he had buried himself in the world of Gabriel Cole and his sharp wit, his nightmares, the violent cases he tried to solve, the guilt over his budding feelings for his partner and the fact that he happened to see his dead wife whenever shit was going to hit the fan and kept dreaming of the perfect life he had had with her before a serial killer killed her and kidnapped his daughter.

 

Luckily any fear of similarity to his own issues had proved to be a moot point, because Gabriel was even more screwed up than he was. Or, maybe, his fictional persona was just more open about his issues, Jensen couldn't decide which...and he didn't care. He just needed to be left the hell alone when he wasn't working. He just needed the paps not to follow him around trying get the scoop about his personal life.

 

Besides, which personal life? Random hook-ups with people he immediately forgot about afterwards? Going to Louisiana every other weekend and stare at two headstones for hours wishing he could feel a damn thing? An old picture he kept in his wallet of Jared and he, hidden so that no one could see it, so that  _he_ couldn't see it, every time he opened the damn thing? His old cell phone, that he insisted on keeping charged, for the only reason that Jared had that number? Even if he had never called?

 

Jensen sighed, while waiting for the light guys to set up the shot, his arms crossed over his chest, he could hear Eliza and Anna, who was there for the day – lucky her, she only had to work a couple of days every week and still be a regular – talking to some reporter from EW, gushing about how cool it was working together, how they were becoming a family and how he, Jensen Ackles, was hotter than hell.

 

He turned toward the women and good naturedly rolled his eyes at them, a fake smile on his lips. It wasn't like he didn't get along with his co-stars, he did. He just kept to himself. But he had promised he wouldn't cause any shit, he had promised he would promote the hell out of the show, he had had a long chat with the executives and his people about what he was willing and what he absolutely wasn't willing to do, and they had reached an agreement: as long as he could keep the accident off limits, he was game. That didn't mean that he wanted to go and join the girls. They were doing just fine on their own.

 

Yet he moved toward them when he heard the words  _chemistry_ and  _romance_ . He cast a glance at the set, wishing like hell they would hurry up and call them to shoot the scene, but he knew that he wouldn't be that lucky.

 

“We were just talking about you, Jensen!” The reporter said, beaming at him. Jensen smiled his best: 'Hi, I'm Jensen Ackles and I'm just _that_ awesome' smile and said something stupid, some PR stuff he knew by heart by now and was in no way too close to his real persona. Maureen was indeed doing her job, he had to give her that.

 

He felt Eliza's arm draping around his waist, and for a moment he didn't know what to do. On one hand he knew he was supposed to look down at her, amp the chemistry up for the press and the fans who were going crazy about the budding and incredibly dysfunctional romance between Gabriel and Sarah, on the other hand...there wasn't an other hand! That was his job and Eliza was a trooper and so was Anna, who was acting mock jealous rolling her eyes at them.

 

He looked down at Eliza, smiling affectionately at her, locking gazes with her. They could sell it, they were doing it already, so it didn't matter if to build up the sparks, he had had to imagine to look at someone else's eyes. It didn't matter if those eyes were hazel, and locking gazes had been so natural for them that it had become second nature. It didn't even matter that they never had to really work on the chemistry between them. It had been just there: a godsend, a curse, a mess and pure unadulterated bliss.

 

It had been real, the most real thing he had ever felt in his life.

 

He felt breathless for a moment, surprised by a rush of feelings so deep and raw he felt stirring in his chest, that he had squish them down, violently, but no one seemed to notice. Not the EW reporter, who was grinning from ear to ear, not Anna who was watching them with a little satisfied smile tugging at her lips, and hopefully not Eliza.

 

The director called them and they left the reporter with Anna, who was now talking about her husband, the other show she worked on HBO and what she loved about playing two characters so different from each other.

 

Eliza was looking at him, frowning, as they hit their marks. She looked around for a moment before saying in a voice that was barely more than a whisper, “you did good...but your heart really isn't in it, is it?”

 

Jensen looked at her, hiding his surprise. He sighed, as the make up girls fussed over them. He might not be friend with Eliza, but they had a good working relationship. Even if Anna was a regular, they were the leads of the show. They were in many scenes together, the hours were crazy, the characters were textbook cases of issues and neurosis, and they had had to learn very soon to be open and honest to each other. At least where their job was concerned. They both wanted the show to go on and being successful.

 

“It's nothing personal...” He said after a moment, looking at her, hoping she got that he really meant it.

 

Eliza gave him a bright smile, while smoothing her jacket and making sure she hadn't lost again her prop badge pinned on her belt, “I know,” she replied.

 

She mumbled something under her breath and then shook her head, but before he could say anything, the director called the shot, and he had to go back to Gabriel and to the UNSUB of the week.

 

He wouldn't ask her what she had wanted to say, because he was sure, positive, that he had heard Eliza mumble, “it's not my fault I'm not him...”

 

* * *

 

**2006**

 

What the hell was going on?

 

Jensen Ackles wanted to hit something. That was it! Being on a two leads show had fried his brain for good, or frozen it, since the network had wanted the show to be shot in Vancouver.

 

Really, what the hell?

 

The first time it had happened, the first time he had had a regular, “what the fuck?” moment, had been a few months before. Jared had left for the weekend, while he had been stuck in Vancouver for re-shoots, so it had been pretty natural for him to volunteer to watch his dogs.

 

Jared had beamed at him, accepting the offer and it had been then Jensen had done the unthinkable: he had willingly given up his sacred Saturday morning sleep marathon - since re-shoots had been scheduled for the afternoon - and had offered to drive the younger man to the airport.

 

“Dude?” Jared had said looking at him, genuinely puzzled at his words, “are you alright?”

 

“Oh, shut up!” Jensen had muttered, trying to understand why the hell was he feeling his ears burning with embarrassment.

 

“Er...right. You know? If I were Sam I'd be saying C _hristo_ now...or something!” Jared said, and he was still beaming at him.

 

Jensen tilted his head on a side and said, “Dude, if you were Sam, your life would suck, and so would mine...since I'd be Dean!”

 

The fact that they had been talking about their plans for the weekend, on location, while sitting in the Impala, dressed as Sam and Dean, waiting for the sound guys to sort out something that had gone wrong with the previous take, struck Jensen as funny, he shook his head smiling and caught Jared's frown, yet, there was a little smile tugging at his lips.

 

Jared turned his head and looked at him and Jensen was absolutely  _not_ surprised when he realized that Jared too had found the whole thing funny. He wasn't even surprised that he didn't need to ask him to make sure. As it often happened...he just knew by looking at him.

 

Jared had shaken his head and had mumbled, “Thanks man...”

 

Jensen had shrugged while he had said, fingers tapping on the steering wheel, “Don't mention it, I'm looking forward not to having you around”

 

He had grinned at Jared and the other man had given him his best puppy eyes – he didn't know how the fans came up with that description, but he couldn't help agreeing with them – and then another smile, even broader than the previous one before he said, “You're  _so_ going to miss my awesome self!”

He had then taken some folded pages of the script from his jacket and had given it a quick read as Jensen had said, “Yeah, I might even cry a little...”

 

“Or a lot...” Jared had replied without missing a beat, without even looking at him, but Jensen hadn't missed his smirk.

 

They had kept bickering for a few more minutes before shooting the scene, and later that night, as he had set the alarm – cringing at the blasphemy of doing that for a Saturday morning – he had realized that he was happy.

 

He had been happy. Yes, he was dead tired most of the time, he was exhausted actually, he missed his family and friends...nevertheless he felt happy. It had been a good day...a good year; he loved his job, he loved playing Dean Winchester – ok, the angst and the constant eating a whole lot less – he loved working with the crew and he loved working with Jared.

 

They had been lucky, he knew that. He had been in the industry long enough to know how hellish sets could get when the leads were assholes or bitches, it made work a living nightmare. He was lucky to have a co-star who was a genuinely good person, someone he had come to consider a good friend.

 

He had still felt happy when, the following morning, Jared had got into his car and had given him a shiny new thermos filled with streaming hot coffee, and he had almost choked on his coffee when Jared had mumbled under his breath, “There's Holy Water in there, dude, just in case!”

 

Jensen had looked at his friend in disbelief and had laughed shaking his head, “Man, you really need some time off!”

 

Jared had talked his ear off on the way to the airport, about Sandy and their plans for the week end and when he had finally parked, Jared had stopped talking and had smiled at him before saying, “Hey, man, thanks...”

 

And for a moment, just a moment, Jensen had thought Jared would hug him. What was worst? He had half hoped he would. After all Jared was very touchy-feely, it had taken a while for him to get really used to it, but it had become just one of the many things, one of the many pieces of the crazy puzzle that had made their working and personal relationship work: they completed each other.

 

Jared hadn't hugged him, though. He had looked at him for a moment, his hazel eyes boring into his, an unreadable look in them and Jensen hadn't even tried to look away – later he had even wondered how long it had really been: seconds? Minutes? - and then had mumbled: “see you on Monday...” before hurrying out of the car.

 

Jensen had even waited for the man to actually get in the damn building before leaving. It had been a “uh?” moment, one he hadn't forgot, but had filed under a: “I need more sleep or caffeine” folder...that had been until the following day: he had been playing with Jared's dogs, in his living room, the rain outside having made it impossible to go out for a run.

Sadie had been keeping her head on his knee, looking almost sad, Jensen had petted her on the head, scratched behind her ears, mumbling absentmindedly, “Yeah, I know...I miss him too...”

 

He had blinked at his own words, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment as he realized two things: he had spent a whole afternoon moping on the couch of his living room, instead of catching up with his mail, taking a nap or hell...even learning his lines...and he had said the truth, he missed Jared!

 

“What the hell?” He had exclaimed.

 

He could not miss Jared! They were  _always_ together, for crying out loud! They were together on set, off set, sometimes he felt like the guy was even in his freaking dreams!

And it wasn't even hiatus, because missing him during hiatus would be almost to be expected...but missing him because he had left for the week end? What was next? Was he going to start calling him 'bitch'?

 

He had groaned, tilting his head back against the headrest, and exclaimed, “Dean, get the hell out of my head!”

 

Sadie made a sound, that to Jensen was suspiciously similar to: “yeah, right!” or maybe the canine equivalent of: “Man, you're pathetic!”

 

He was able to rationalize that thought, eventually. He had filed it away, deciding it had been a fluke. Because it had to be: missing his co-star after only a few hours apart? It was a fluke! And the tiny glimmer of annoyance at the thought of Sandy?

 

A fluke, totally.

Except it wasn't. Little things like that had kept happening: Jensen had caught himself staring a bit longer than necessary at his co-star, both on set and when they were alone, hanging out together – which admittedly had become more and more frequent -, he had even realized that sometimes his causal touches weren't so casual and it didn't help the matters the fact that Jared had absolutely no clue about what personal space was.

 

Jared Padalecki didn't just hug his friends, he enveloped them, he turned into a human octopus...a 6' 5'' octopus with a sweet tooth the size of China and a heart of gold.

 

After a while the 'what the hell moments' had become part of his everyday life: he had decided that they didn't mean a thing and that he just had to keep those moments from happening when they weren't on set or hanging out on their own and everything would be fine.

 

Jensen really hated his messed up logic, because it always backfired...and in that moment he really wanted to hit something.

 

He wanted to bash John Shiban's head in for starter.

 

“ _Chemistry is something you can't manufacture and these guys have it!_ ”

 

Yes, Jared and he had chemistry. He knew  _that._ Yes, it wasn't manufactured, in fact they hadn't really needed to work on it. All they had done had been hanging out together. The day before, at that panel at Paley Center, he had said the God honest truth about their first meeting. It had been just natural: he had felt at ease with Jared from the very beginning.

 

They had read together and they had just clicked. He recalled how Eric's eyes had lit up with enthusiasm during their reading, how he had observed their every move and how he had told them, “You're what I was thinking for Dean and Sam and its very opposite! That's so cool!”

 

He recalled how Jared and he had exchanged a glance at Eric's words and how, to that day, they still had no clue about what he had meant.

 

Chemistry. Yes. It was that little thing that had prompted them to move as one and being dorks on stage, in front of the cameras, their producers and the fans with their little impromptu scenes. And if his heart had beat just a little faster than normal when Jared had pretended to want to kiss him – he had thought – it had been just nerves.

 

And Jared's smile...was...a damned weapon of mass destruction! How had he ended up gazing at Jared like he was the Second Coming?

 

What the hell?

 

Kim had sent him the picture through e-mail, and had called him, urging him to see it. It had leaked online and was causing quite a commotion among fans. He was staring at Jared in that picture, a soft expression in his eyes –  _one he knew only too well_ – a smile on his lips..and for a moment, when he had first seen that file, he had actually thought: “Do I always look at him like that?” refusing to dwell on the answer.

 

He was still looking at that damn picture, while Kim's words kept ringing in his ears: “You might want to tone it down a little when we're not on set, kiddo.”

 

Jensen hadn't asked what he was supposed to tone down. He couldn't lie for shit to Kim, he respected him too much, besides even before he could come up with something to say, Kim had continued, “You know that I worked on The X-Files, right?”

 

“Kinda, yeah...” Jensen had mumbled.

 

“So trust me, I know something about chemistry between co-stars...” He had trailed.

 

_Oh, God,_ he had thought,  _not that word again!_

 

“Yeah?” He had said...and if he had sounded hesitant it was because it was exactly how he had felt: hesitant, awkward and suddenly very pissed off.

 

“Sometimes chemistry can be a bitch...actors have to work on it, sometimes it's just too much...and _sometimes_...” Kim sighed, “never mind. Just remember: you boys plays brothers!”

 

Kim had hung up on him, and Jensen had owlishly stared at his cell phone for a few seconds, before turning his attention to the picture.

What. The. Hell?

 

He was still looking at the picture, and had to blink for a moment, hoping that it would go away...but it didn't. It was all there, in front of him, clear as day: the last few months crystallized in a single picture, taken by a fan.

 

He had a crush on Jared.

He had a crush on his co-star, his male co-star!

 

And the signs had been there for  _months._ All the things he had ignored, pretended not to notice, labeled as flukes, had all pointed out to one single truth: he liked Jared Padalecki. Too much.

 

“Oh, shit!” he sighed, shutting his laptop closed, “This can't end well!”

 

One thing was hooking up with some random guy from time to time: been there, done that, Jensen wasn't going to freak out about  _that_ aspect of the giant mess he had gotten himself into; but crushing his male co-star? The same guy who played his  _brother?_ The same guy who had become one of his best friends? That stunk of disaster. It couldn't end well.

 

He covered his face with his hands, taking calming breaths. Why had Kim showed him that damn picture? He had been living just fine in denial land!

 

_You might want to tone it down...._

 

Well, he reasoned with another sigh, according to Kim, he had sucked at denial, since it was written all over his face. And Kim was one of the producers of the show, which meant that he had to tone it the hell down when they weren't on set. It had been a suggestion and an order.

 

But he wasn't worried about that. The producers could go and screw themselves as far as he was concerned...it was Jared he was worried about. How could he get out of that room and face him? Because he still had to work with Jared. They still had a few weeks of shooting ahead of them.

 

“Oh, God...” He mumbled in his hands.

 

Weeks...before hiatus. Weeks he'd have to spend trying not to make anything stupid...anything that could screw up the friendship with Jared... _and_ the show.

It didn't dawn on him until much later, than he hadn't even thought about himself and his feelings. He had thought about the show, about his friendship with Jared, about their working relationship, yet he hadn't spared a thought about his feelings, about what would be of him.

 

And when he did, it was already too late.

 

 

 

* * *

 

He had to hold on, just for a few more days. They would wrap the season, and everything would be alright.

 

“No problems, I'm a professional!” Jensen said aloud in his trailer, before shaking his head.

 

Who the hell was he kidding?

 

If only Kim hadn't made that phone call, if only he hadn't shown him that picture! Why hadn't he stuck to fan-fictions?

 

If it had been any other circumstance, if Jared had been any other guy, he wouldn't be such a basket case. But he wasn't any other guy: Jared was a friend, a good friend...and most important of all: he was his co-star.

 

One of the first things he had learned in Hollywood when he had decided to keep his sexuality under wraps, was to never,  _ever_ screw an actor, at least not one he shared screen time with. It was one of his rules, he had heard horror stories from his father about what happened on sets where two actors were having affairs...hell, he had witnessed the soap opera between Jessica and Michael while he worked on Dark Angel.

 

Screwing a male co-star? That had always been a personal no-no for Jensen.

Until Jared Padalecki.

 

If Jared had been some random guy, a casual encounter, he wouldn't be hiding in his trailer between takes, giving an Emmy worthy performance of the headache from hell to get away from his co-star, his hazel eyes, his killer dimples, his nice ass and mostly the fact that he wanted to pin him against the nearest wall and kiss him senseless.

 

Thankfully hiatus was near, he had a movie to shoot, Danneell was going to be be his co-star, so he was sure he was going to have fun. He would get Dean Winchester and his love for Sam – brotherly but sometimes bordering on obsessive – out of his head, Jared would be far away from him, so that he'd have the time to get his shit together and fuck him out of his system.

 

So it didn't matter if sometimes he felt Jared's eyes on him, it didn't even matter that the air between them at times it became almost electric. He had to force himself not to wonder, because he wasn't going to screw up a friendship and his job over a crush. He just had to hold on for a few more days.

 

Yet he sighed when he heard knocking on the door and a moment later Jared said, “Can I come in?”

 

He squared his shoulders and said, “Sure...”

 

What other options did he have, really? It wasn't as if Jared had done anything wrong and it was too late to pull any bullshit about not wanting to hang out with his co-workers between takes. And the worst of it was that while a part of him wanted to get the hell away from Jared and the mess he was currently into, another part – one that  _definitely_ needed to stay hidden – longed for even more time with the guy.

 

He was  _so_ screwed!

 

Jared had got into the trailer and was looking at him, worry written all over his face. “How are you feeling?” He asked, and Jensen knew, felt in his gut, that he hadn't really bought his excuse. And it was scary how well he could read Jared...especially when he thought that the thing was probably mutual.

 

“Fine!” He replied quickly, and since when he had troubles meeting the guy's eyes? When did he turn into a blushing school girl?

 

Jared raised an eyebrow silently questioning his words and Jensen was now positive that Jared hadn't bought his act, and since Jared Padalecki was not only smoking hot – because most truths were  _indeed_ said in jest: case in point his comment about Jared during Paley Center's panel – but he was a good friend as well, he knew he wasn't going to push him or press any issue.

 

Jared's presence in his trailer was as clear a message as it could get: whatever the hell his problem was, Jared was there, for him and Jensen was sure that there was some irony, somewhere, in that whole mess, but for the life of him, he really couldn't see it.

 

He was distracted from his musings by Jared's voice. Apparently he had been talking, but he hadn't heard a single word he had said.

 

“Sorry, man...” He said and finally looked at him again and noticed the small wrapped package in his hands

 

_What. The. Hell?_

 

“I said...” Jared trailed and shrugged his shoulders seemingly embarrassed. Jared. Jared Padalecki? Since when? Why?

 

Jared grinned at him, before saying, “you didn't hear a word I said, did you?”

 

Jensen shrugged, “Sorry man, I'm tired...remind me again: why didn't I kill Kripke?”

 

Jared laughed as he sat next to him on the couch, invading as usual his personal space, their thighs pressed together – because his karma  _really_ got a kick out of his sexual frustration .

 

“I don't know, man...'cause you're a nice guy?”

 

Jared handed him the package, wrapped in colored wrapping paper and tied with a red ribbon and Jensen snorted, throwing a puzzled glance at his co-star. He didn't even realize at first that they hadn't even needed to talk about the package: Jared had answered to his puzzled glance with a cocked eyebrow, silently inviting him to unwrap the damn thing, while he said, “Because it'd look like shit on your resume?”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes and smiling said, “Yeah, between that and Davour my resume would be totally shot to hell”

 

Jared was watching him unwrap the gift and Jensen was actually getting a kick out of watching him getting anxious, tapping his fingers on his thighs,; his feelings for the man sitting next to him and the panic resulting from them, forgotten for a moment.

 

“Yeah,” Jared deadpanned, “Devour was definitely almost too much...”

 

Jensen stifled a chuckle and looked at him, mock anger on his face while he said, “Dude, did you just imply that my movie sucked?”

“I did not!” Jared said shaking his head emphatically and Jensen noticed the mischievous glint in his eyes, one he had come to know pretty well for the past year, Jared smiled and added, “Ten years from now it will be a classic...”

 

Jensen shook his head, smiling at Jared's words, but his smile turned into a silent gasp when he looked at the golden letters engraved on the square, expensive box. He threw a shocked glance at Jared, who was now looking at him expectantly; Jared shrugged his shoulder and said, “You liked mine...”

 

Damn it! So much for keeping his stupid crush under control!

 

“Jared...” He said, embarrassment coloring his cheeks as he opened the box and looked at the watch. And yes, he had definitely turned into a blushing schoolgirl!

 

_I'm so screwed!_

 

“I can't possibly accept this!” Jensen said shifting his gaze from the very expensive watch he had just been given to Jared, who looked definitely embarrassed now. “Why not?” He asked shrugging his shoulders, “Consider it a post birthday – pre hiatus present!”

 

Jensen shook his head, stifling the urge to giggle at the man's words – and wishing to off his inner schoolgirl - “This doesn't even make sense!” He exclaimed.

 

“It totally does!” Jared replied, nodding his head empathically.

 

“Really, man...I can't...” Jensen mumbled without looking at Jared, “it's too much”

 

And he was perfectly aware that he was making a fuss about a watch, he knew that it wasn't a big deal for Jared; he was a generous guy, he did that kind of stuff all the time...even with him.

 

Except that last time Jared had given him something, things had been different for him. It had been just a gift from a friend...now? Things were too complicated, too messy...and he already felt that close to lose it.

 

“No, it's not” Jared said, breaking his train of thoughts, and there wasn't a hint of teasing in his voice, if anything it seemed deeper...huskier....or was he imagining things? He looked up and met Jared's eyes...and he _definitely_ wasn't imagining the look in his costar's eyes. He was meaning each and any word he was saying...and even those that lingered, unsaid between them...words that somehow he could , wanted to hear...but was terrified of at the same time.

 

“It's not...” Jared repeated

 

_Not for you_ were the unspoken, yet clear words Jared was adding, with the earnest look in his eyes. 

 

None of them talked for a moment, and the silence in the trailer was suddenly thick with that electricity, that  _chemistry_ he had always felt between them, even when he hadn't been aware of the exact nature of his feelings for his co-star.

 

That spark translated well on screen and in pictures, but he was now living it, first hand, stronger than ever...and judging by the way Jared's body was moving on the couch, closing the already minimal distance between them, he ought to have noticed that too.

 

“I...” Jensen mumbled, his fingers gripping the box, his heart hammering in his chest, unable to utter another word, unable to stop looking at Jared; how long had he been staring at him? How long since Jared had done the same?

 

He couldn't say.

 

Moving was a bad idea though, or so the rational part of his mind suggested him. Moving was really a big no-no, the biggest of his life possibly.

 

Too bad that his body had different ideas, but before he could say or do anything, he found himself enveloped in a bear hug.

It was a honest to God Jared Padalecki bear hug, strong arms wrapping around his sides, chest to chest...one of those hugs, he had tried his hardest not to indulge in ever since the phone call with Kim...but truth was that he had missed them...he had missed him.

 

God, he was so fucking screwed it wasn't even funny!

 

And that inner schoolgirl? Apparently she was still alive and kicking, Jensen thought for a moment, repressing a snort of self annoyance, before giving in: he closed his eyes and hugged Jared back, relaxing in his friend's arms

 

So what if for a moment... -but had had to have been his imagination - ...he had believed,...damn! He had been positive something had been about to happen? And even if part of him was relieved he had been wrong – although, really? Some things were unmistakable – Jensen decided to ignore the other part of himself, the one that was burning with disappointment.

 

It was that thought that finally prompted him to pull away from Jared's arms and when he looked at the younger man, he felt it once more: the silence filled itself with that current, that humming between them, he could feel _it_ in his _blood_. 

 

He could breathe it, thick in the air.

 

_Here, John! That's chemistry for you!_

 

He thought for a moment, before Jared closed the distance between them, again.

Jensen blinked as Jared's lips covered his, hesitant at first, and Jensen was dimly aware of Jared's hand on the side of his face, of how warm it was, of how strongly he was tempted to lean into it; he parted his lips, not necessarily to grant Jared' access, but because breathing had suddenly become a pressing issue.

 

Jared scattered soft, feather like kisses on his lips, teasing him, taking his time, seemingly uninterested in taking the further step, while his thumbs brushed his cheekbones drawing imaginary circles on it, and Jensen couldn't remember being ever that turned on for a few simple pecks on his lips and the touch of anyone's hands.

 

He could hear their breaths, feel them mingling; it was the only sounds that could penetrate through the thick fog of surprise and lust that had enveloped him.

 

Jared and he were _kissing_. It was really happening, their bodies were impossibly close, radiating heat and lust, his heart was drumming in his chest.

 

They were kissing. It was really happening! That knowledge had the power to tear the momentary numbness asunder. Jared's teeth lightly nibbling at his lower lip had the effect of a jolt of electricity on Jensen, it reverberated through his body, prompting him to move: his hands roamed on Jared's back as he pulled him even closer, blunt nails scraped Jared's nape, smiling when Jared moaned in his mouth and his hold on him became even tighter; Jensen's fingers ran through Jared's thick hair, pulling him closer, to deepen the kiss...and suddenly Jared's stillness, his hesitant teasing kisses, his delicate touch weren't enough. Not any more.

 

Jared stilled for a moment, when Jensen teased with the tip of his tongue along the contours of Jared's lips, but as always up for a challenge, Jared mirrored his movements of a few seconds before, scraping the back of his neck with his blunt nails, sending shivers through Jensen's body, before cupping it, keeping him still as he teased his lips, as he slowly, but surely explored his mouth with his tongue, and a part of Jensen was surprised realizing that Jared had been waiting for him to make the first real move. But it was just a small part ofhimself, the rest of him was breathing in, feeling, tasting Jared with everything he was.

 

Jared 's warm hand on his neck, the faint scent of soap and aftershave, the taste of coffee and sweets, the feeling of Jared's tongue caressing his, playing with his. 

 

They were pressed together, so close that Jensen had honestly no clue as to where he ended and Jared began any more. Nor did he care, not at that point. 

And he realied it wasn't enough...he needed more; his free hand went to Jared's chest, clutching at his shirt, for a moment, before he slipped his fingers underneath it, to touch his bare skin. 

 

As the kiss grew deeper and deeper he became aware that somehow, without noticing, he had ended up lying on the couch with him atop of Jared and he honestly couldn't tell when it had happened, nor did he care. 

All he knew was that Jared's hands were now under his shirt, grazing his back ad he could feel how hard Jared was and how, for some reason, he was restraining himself from thrusting his hips down, against his crotch, but then again wasn't he doing the same? Wasn't he going against every instinct he had to seek friction, and enjoying every second of it?

 

Close...too close and yet, it still didn't seem enough, he wanted more...he needed to. And so did Jared, whose hands seemed to be anywhere on his body, whose mouth and tongue were leaving hot trails on his neck and whatever patch of exposed skin he could reach, as he did the same.

 

Jensen pushed himself on his elbows, without never breaking the kiss; Jared moaned in his mouth – a sound which went straight to his already throbbing cock – and he tugged at Jared's hair as the man pushed him back, against his body with his hands, finally thrusting his hips against his, seeking much needed friction, seeking release; he could even feel Jared's heartbeat against his ribcage, could feel his pulse when he broke the kiss and trailed his tongue along Jared's neck, sucking at the point where he could feel his pulse racing, before going back to his mouth, again.

 

Had he ever been that turned on? He was dry humping his co-star, swapping saliva with him and he felt on the verge of losing it and Jared's mouth or hands hadn't gone anywhere near his cock and neither had his. 

Yet it didn't seem to matter to his body or to Jared's. 

 

He later wondered what would have happened that day if they had broken the kiss to come up for air just moments before they actually did.

 

He wondered if they'd have had time to talk. He wondered if things might have turned out to be different for them. 

 

He later wondered how things would have been for them if a P.A. Hadn't interrupted them, knocking at the door of his trailer, urging them back on set, just as Jared's hands had finally started fumbling with both their zippers.

 

Would they have talked? Or would they have started their game of pretending even sooner than they had eventually done?

 

Those musings came much later, though; when that p.a knocked at his door and interrupted them, he opened his eyes, only to find Jared smiling down at him. He pushed himself up and had to clear his throat, before answering, “Just a minute!”

 

He looked at Jared , smiling at his messy hair, at his lips and how swollen they were with their kisses, at his rumpled clothes – and he didn't even want to dwell on the fact that they had made out while wearing Dean and Sam's clothes. That was just another can of worms he'd rather not open- 

 

Jared was smiling, his cheeks flushed with passion and for a moment Jensen was breathless...unable to do anything but stare at the man in front of him. Jared stood still for a moment on the couch, before he slowly got up, his eyes twinkling with a mischievous light that almost pushed Jensen to ignore the p.a. And start kissing him again...

 

Jared Padalecki looked for all the world to see like someone who had just spent an inordinate amount of time being thoroughly kissed and had enjoyed every second of it; he was still smiling, but he heard the embarrassment and a hint of frustration in his voice when he said, “I should probably go...”

 

Jensen nodded at his words, “Yeah...” He said.

 

He wondered, later, what would have happened if he had said, “I think we should probably talk about this...” instead of mumbling a, “Hey, man, thanks for the ...uh...watch!”

 

He hadn't though. And neither had Jared, who had just beamed at him, dimples and all, and had said, “Don't mention it!”

 

The game of pretending had just begun.

 

The only thing Jensen thought about when Jared left his trailer, was that he was damn lucky that hiatus was only days away. He looked around in his trailer, as he made himself presentable, in order not to give away to the whole crew of Supernatural that he had been kissed, groped and had almost come untouched by his co-star – and damn, that kid knew how to do exactly that!

 

He noticed the watch that had ended up in a corner of the couch, forgotten, he took some steps toward the couch and took the box in his hands. Yes, he decided, he was lucky hiatus was so close, or else he would be in even deeper trouble than he already was.

 

He would end up actually falling in love with Jared Padalecki.

 

 

* * *

 

_Home sweet home_

 

Except that it wasn't really home, was it? Jared thought as he looked around in the empty house. He had tripped on something as he looked for the switch to turn the lights on, and it had it him one more:  _not your house, not your life..._

 

Gen had done something to the walls while he was gone for his movie, they looked different, they were now of  a pale yellow hue...didn't they use to be cream colored? Maybe she had even told him about it, or maybe not, he couldn't really remember; the shooting of the movie had been pure hell: asshole director, idiot writers, costars that proved that Darwinism might be cruel and brutal, but it was a necessity -he was past the point of exhaustion both physical and mental.

 

He had left Los Angeles with things with Gen shot to hell, with that constant emptiness the size of a black hole inside of him that had kept on swallowing him. Months alone, in New Zaeland, as he had reevaluated his life, had kept looking at old pictures, old mementos of something that to him was as real as the first day, had worn him to the bone.

 

He had had a lot of time to think for the past few months, he had forced himself to really face his life and his choices.

He hadn't worked non stop just to establish his name, his careeer...he had just been running in circles, ever since the night of the funeral, when he had left Jensen after he had asked him to get out of his life

 

_For real this time, man..._

 

He had lived in denial for the following few years, keeping up a charade, the fight with Genevieve shortly before he had left for New Zaeland had been the end of it. He had realized it that night, when he hadn't followed Gen to their bedroom and after hours spent staring the wall he had just crashed in one of the guestrooms.

 

He had stopped to even try to pretend....and he had worn her thin, because in the end, Gen had stopped too.

 

There hadn't been any more fights between them, things had been remarkably civil between them, they had talked every day on the phone, while he had been shooting his movie, and neither of them had apologized for the fight, or for the fact that she hadn't even been in Los Angeles when he had left. They hadn't needed to...it was definitely too little and too fucking late for apologies anyway.

 

They had kept calling each other every day, as he was shooting the movie, more out of habit than for an actual need to  _talk_ . They hadn't even approached the subject of the future of their marriage...

 

Truth was that Jared should have followed Gen into her room that night and call the bluff off. He had stopped trying...but still he hadn't been able to let go...

No, the truth...the honest to God truth was that he had stopped trying the minute he had knocked on Jensen's door, in that hotel in Chicago.

 

And he had come back sooner to Los Angeles because he felt he owed Gen and himself that conversation. It was long overdue.

He had come back sooner, choosing a weekend he had known Gen would be spending in Los Angeles.

 

He had been pretending for too long and he was sick of it. So sick. He had even stopped being afraid of the consequences.

He loved Genevieve, he really did...he always would, but he wasn't  _in love_ with her. He had never been if he were to be honest to himself. He had deluded himself into thinking that he could shelve his feelings for Jensen in a corner of his heart and be a good husband to Gen. 

 

God, how wrong he had been!

 

He didn't even care that Jensen wasn't in his life any more. Not in that moment. He would finally face that reality *after* he talked to his wife. 

He owed Gen and himself some honesty.

 

The house, though, was empty. It was past midnight and no one was home. He went to the master bedroom, chuckling to himself. 

How anticlimatic! He had worked himself up for days for that conversation, accepting the fact that he would effectively put an official end to his marriage, that he would be forced to admit some hard truths he had spent years trying to avoid facing...that he would hurt one more woman he loved...only to find an empty house!

 

He even double checked his copy of Gen's sheet-call. They still had the habit to keep each other's sheet-calls, to know when to call each other and have more time...and Jared knew she was supposed to be home. She had told him she would be home when he had called her. 

 

He entered the bedroom and looked around, noticing the dresses sprawled on the bed, the make up and some of Gen's bracelets on the dresser and frowned when he noticed the bottle of perfume next to her tennis bracelet, the one he had given her for her birthday, the year they got married.

 

“Oh....” Jared only said, slowly blinking his eyes. That wasn't the usual bran of perfume Gen used. She only used that particular perfume on special dates. He knew, because she had told him, because he recalled the way that perfume perfectly blended with her natural musk. 

 

He took a step closer to the dresser, still owishly blinking. That didn't really come as a surprise to him; he had half suspected Gen had started fucking one of her co-stars for months now, but he hadn't said a word to her about it. He had ignored the rumors that had reached him, just like he had refused to dwell on his own doubts. 

 

What was worst? All he could think, while his eyes were still fixed on that blood red stupid bottle was, “Good for you, Gen...at least one of  _us_ is happy!”

 

He really couldn't bring himself to feel jealousy or hurt about what was going on, since he had started it all. And he had done that the moment he had pinned Jensen against the wall of that hotel room and had kissed him, long and hard, muffling Jensen's protests and smiling against the man's mouth when Jensen had given in and had started to kiss him back. 

 

He shook his head as he sat on the bad. Even then...he was lying, to himself...

He had started things a lot sooner than that night in Chicago, long before Gen came into his life.

 

He had started things when he had thought that being fuck buddies with his best friend wasn't really cheating, that it wasn't a big deal. 

As long as it was just about getting off.

It had taken him almost a decade to get that it had never really been about sex. 

And that it  had been a  _big deal_ . 

It had taken almost a decade to remember that he had got the truth on a plane, right at the beginning...that it wasn't about sex, it was about love...it had always beeen

 

  
***

June, 2007

 

“Why didn't you tell him, again?” Sandy asked as soon as Jared shut the cell phone.

 

Jared grinned at his girlfriend and said, “He's already freaking out, Danneel is about to kill him”

 

Sandy arched an eyebrow at his words and lightly pursed her lips before saying, “And knowing you're going to be there is supposed to freak him out more...because?”

 

_Foot, meet mouth..._ Jared thought, he shrugged and smiled at Sandy saying, “Oh, you know Jensen...”

 

“Not really...” Sandy mumbled under her breath.

 

The smile didn't leave Jared's face even if he didn't really feel like smiling any more. He didn't like the way Sandy was eying from the passenger's seat of the car. He didn't like the hint of mistrust in his girlfriend's voice.

 

His best friend was totally kicking ass with his play, or so Danneel and Mac had told him. His best friend was still freaking out, despite having showed he could own the stage...what was he supposed to do? For Jared, going to see Jensen's play was a no brainer...and the fact that Jensen and he had sex had  _nothing_ to do with that. 

 

It wasn't a big deal.

 

So, what if he had actually had to bend backwards to get those few free hours from the shooting of his movie?

 

“ _You're being a big drama queen, J, you're doing great!”_

 

What if he had been on the phone almost constantly with one of the Ackles or Danneel to make sue things were going fine and that Jensen still had no clue about his surprise?

 

“ _Yeah...thanks, man! I kinda...miss you having my back”_

 

Sandy hadn't objected at the beginning, although she wasn't exactly Jensen's number one fan these days, but she had grown incredibly tense since they had landed.

 

“What's up, sweetheart?” He asked when she sighed, breaking his train of thoughts.

 

“You look... _happy_...” Sandy said and despite her voice had come out harsh, she was smiling at him.

 

Jared frowned. Huh? Of course he was happy! He had everything he had always dreamed, why wouldn't be happy?

Sandy covered his hand on the steering wheel and squeezed it for a moment before she added, “You haven't looked that happy for weeks...”

 

Jared chose to ignore the meaning behind her words.

 

“ _Yeah...me too”_

 

What Jensen and he did...what they had started in Jensen's trailer the year before, what had turned into...what they currently had – and later, much later, Jared would see the irony in the fact that it had happened during a black out – whatever it was, it had nothing to do with that night, with Jensen's play, with their friendship.

 

Those moments...while they were in Vancouver were just a facet of their friendship. He couldn't bring himself to feel guilty about it, and he knew Jensen didn't feel guilty toward Danneel either. It was just a * thing *

 

“It's just...” Sandy was saying, “you guys are _always_ together, Jared...”

 

Jared sighed, gritting his teeth in annoyance as traffic slowed down. No, not that argument again!

Everyone had felt entitled to tell him that the amount of time he spent with his co-star was odd: his parents, his brother, his friends in Los Angeles. Even Eric Kripke had mumbled something about character bleed. He was _not_ Sam Winchester and Jensen sure as hell wasn't Dean!

Not surprisingly it had been only Megan to show him some support; of course his little sister had seemed to read right through all his half truths...and _of course_ his baby sister had shown her colors as hopeless romantic and he had had a hard time convincing her that things with Jensen weren't like **that**.

And now Sandy too...

 

“I don't know, Sandy...is there a specific quota I need to fulfill for it to be acceptable?” He asked, wishing his voice didn't sound so harsh and bitter, he took a deep calming breath, releasing a little his grip on the steering wheel and continued, “He's my best friend, Sandy....”

 

He turned his head on her side and caught a glimpse of her profile, he noticed how she was furrowing her brows, how tense her body looked; they were almost there, he could see the theatre and his smile grew wider with anticipation, he ignored Sandy's stare as he picked up his cell phone when it ringed, but he forced his smile to dim a little when he saw the caller's ID.

 

“Hey, what's up?” He asked Jensen. His voice casual, not giving anything away...to anyone: either Jensen or Sandy.

 

“I'm going to throw up!” Jensen said as a way of greeting.

 

Jared checked his watch for a moment, and he didn't understand, why he was so moved by the fact that Jensen had called _him,_ ten minutes before he was supposed to be on stage.

 

“No, you won't” Jared reassured him.

 

“I thought it was supposed to get better, you know?” Jensen mumbled...and poor guy, Jared could really feel he was freaking out.

 

“It doesn't” Jared replied with a smile as he parked the car.

 

“Asshole! Why I'm friends with you, again?”

 

Jared chuckled, suddenly feeling embarrassed...if he had been alone, he'd have had a few choice of answers to that question...things that best friends were not supposed to know about each other...or do to each other...but that made totally sense to them.

 

Jensen sensed his hesitancy because in a light voice asked, “Is Sandy there with you?”

 

“Yep!” Jared replied and his voice was as light and casual as Jensen's had been, “She says hi! And I'm serious here, man, I read it somewhere...it won't get better, you'll still feel like shit, but you'll still go up on stage and kick it in the ass!”

 

“I still think it wasn't a genius idea...” Jensen said...and Jared knew it was just nerves talking. Jensen was a good actor, he worked very hard and with so much passion at his craft; they had worked side by side for two years, he _knew_ how much Jensen could own a character.

 

“And I still think you're full of shit! Now go and give Lou a ride for his money!”

 

Jensen chuckled at his lame words and he could hear him relaxing, he heard him breathing and, for a moment, his mind went elsewhere, in places he definitely wasn't supposed to explore, not while in the car with his girlfriend. Fact was, though, he could almost feel Jensen's hot breath tickling his skin, his naked skin as they...

 

what? They fucked? Yes, sometimes they did fuck, when drunk or horny or strung high with adrenaline after daunting scenes on set; they fucked, hard and fast, with not so much of a word sad between them, only bodies pressed together, limbs intertwining.

 

They had sex? Yes they did: hot, mindblowing sex. Jensen knew exactly how to touch him, kiss him, to set every fiber of his being on fire...and apparently he had the same talent.

 

Yet...that hadn't been the first word he had thought.

 

Made love. Did they make love?

 

The sound of Jensen's breath over the phone reminded him that they _had_ made love: gazes locked on each other, mouths kissing, tasting each other, bodies moving together, in perfect synchrony, Jensen's breath tickling his skin as he entered him.

 

“Feeling any better?” He asked, forcing himself away from his thoughts, remembering where he was: in a rented car, with his girlfriend, outside the theatre where Jensen was about to perform.

 

“Yeah...” Jensen whispered, “kinda...” and he sounded indeed calmer. And Jared _absolutely_ didn't wonder, whether his friend had had the same thoughts, whetherh his mind had gone to the same places.

 

Jared could feel Sandy's eyes on him, now, as he mumbled his good bye to Jensen, playing his part to the perfection, although he had no idea for whom he had been played it: Jensen, Sandy? Himself?

 

He shut the cellphone and turned to look at his girlfriend. “Nerves” He said shrugging, acting normal, feeling anything but. He was feeling guilty, for the first time since the whole thing with Jensen had started. That phone conversation had felt like _cheating_...

 

“Oh, I'm sure he'll feel better when he sees you!” Sandy exclaimed and she sounded upset now and jealous. “Sometimes it's really hard to believe you guys are just friends, Jay...” Sandy said after a few seconds of awkward silence.

 

“But that's what we are...” Jared said, and something in his voice or his eyes must have convinced Sandy, because she smiled at him and said, “Well, you **do** have a huge mancrush on the guy...”

 

Jared let out a laughter, feeling for the second time that night like a cheater.

 

“Just don't tell him..or I will never live it down” He said eventually, the guilt still lingering over him.

 

Sandy shook her head as they got out of the car, “Wouldn't want to give him false hopes, honey...”

 

Sandy didn't look at him as she said those words and Jared was glad she hadn't and her voice had been low, enough for him to pretend he hadn't heard her. It would have been hard to explain the blush that had colored his cheeks at her words.

 

He had troubles to explaining it to himself...just like he had troubles rationalizing why his heart had skipped a beat at her words.

What Sandy had been implying was laughable!

Wasn't it?

 

Jensen did not, could _not_ have feelings for him, couldn't he?

It was just sex! Good sex...but that was it! It was just a close friendship with fucked up boundaries!

 

Yet her didn't think about sex, about fucked up boundaries, or the exact nature of their relationship as he watched Jensen perform.

Sure, he was hot in that uniform and the way he owned the stage, oozing charisma was exciting.

 

The only thing in Jared's mind as he watched the man performing on stage was how proud he was of him. How happy he was to see him enjoying the simple act of performing, of being an actor.

 

Sex, friendship, fucked up relationships didn't even crossi his mind as he bolted up from his chair at the end of the play, clapping wildly.

He sought Jensen's eyes, almost willed him him to look his way. And incredibly enough he did. Jensen did look at him, his eyes lighting up with surprise and happiness and Jared grinned at his...friend? Fuck buddy?

It didn't matter, he decided.

The only thing that really mattered to him was the way Jensen had smiled at him, the way his eyes had lit up with joy, with that look he only seemed to have when they were together.

 

Only later did he realize that he had flown all the way to Texas to see again that look in Jensen's eyes. Only later, much later he admitted that he had been insanely proud, almost viscerally so of that look, because it belonged to him only, but when he did, he had already lost Jensen.

 

* * *

“Well...” Jensen mumbled when Sandy and Danneel excused themselves to go to the ladies room, “that wasn't awkward at all!”

 

Jared nodded in agreement, “Yeah, tell me about it...”

 

The dinner after the play had been the epitome of awkward. Jared had to give props to Danneel: she had tried to make things light, chatting and gossiping and Jared had the nigging suspicion that Jensen's girlfriend knew everything about them...and couldn't care less.

 

Jensen confirmed his suspicions when he said, “I owe Danni, big time!”

 

Jared did a double take, “Seriously?” he asked.

 

Jensen shrugged but didn't answer him, he didn't need to. Jared shook his head and drank his wine.

 

It had been awkward pretending not to want to be alone with Jensen, trying not to stare at his lips, as he spoke, not when Sandy was sitting next to him. It had been hard not to stare at Jensen, not to laugh too hard at his jokes, not to let their body draw closer, as they naturally were used to do.

 

Jensen looked tired, he was staring at his glass, a half smile playing on his lips and Jared noticed that unlike before, the silence wasn't awkward at all, it was just like when they were on one of their trailers on set, or in his living room, chilling out after a long day.

 

“You were really great, man...” Jared said, breaking the silence, finding it suddenly _too_ warm and comfortable...because there was no way that Sandy wouldn't understand what was really going on between them if she chose that moment to come back.

 

“You already said that” Jensen said smiling, “Thanks man...I mean it”

 

“No,” Jared said, “I mean it...you totally blew me away...”

 

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him and smirked at his words before saying, “Eh...” he sipped from his glass adding with a mumble, “I wish”

 

The longing Jared heard in Jensen's mumbled words went straight to his groin and Jensen smiled, seemingly oblivious of the effect he was having on him, but Jared knew better. Just like he knew that he hadn't been the only one having to pretend and not to stare that night.

“You are going to pay for this, Ackles” He said, but he was smiling

 

Jensen stretched an arm over the vacant chair next to him, saying, “Promises, promises...”

 

They were both grinning when, a few seconds later, Sandy and Danneel came back to their table, and it took and even stronger effort than before for Jared not to stare at Jensen or avoid walking too close to him when they got out of the restaurant.

 

“So back to playing a painter, uh?” Jensen said.

 

“Dude” Jared replied as they got close to his car, “One name: Peter O'Toole!”

 

He let go of Sandy's hand, opening the door's car for her, without even stopping looking at Jensen who was smirking at him and Jared realized that Jensen was channeling Dean in that moment; all the telltale signs were there, but Jared chose to let it go as he said his goodbye to Danneel, who looked like she didn't have a clue about what was going on, until he pulled her in a hug and she whispered against his ear, “You guys are so stupid...really”

 

She gave him a smirk and then went past him to hug Sandy, giving him, once more, time with Jensen.

 

“See you, buddy” Jensen said, his hands stifled in the pocket of his jeans, “Thank you again for coming!”

 

He nodded at Jensen, he could feel Sandy's eyes on him, observing him, but he didn't, couldn't bring himself to care when he wordlessly pulled Jensen in a hug. They * had* hugged after the play, in front of Jensen's family, his co-stars...but it hadn't felt real. It had been a short affair, he hadn't really felt Jensen's body against his, like he was doing now.

 

Jensen hadn't really hugged him back, not like he was doing now. He didn't linger, didn't strike stupid poses. They weren't on some red carpet. But it was **still** an act all the same, and neither did Jensen. They bumped fists and Jared didn't even pay attention to what Jensen and he said. He ignored Sandy's glance all the way to the airport as they hurried to catch the red eye flight to Vancouver and he pretended to fall asleep the minute he fastened his seat belt. He kept his eyes closed until he fell asleep for real.

When he woke up, while they were landing, Sandy was sleeping, and Jared had to avert his gaze from her when he noticed her tear streaked face.

 

What was he doing?

 

* * *

 

Jared sighed. He should have gotten a clue with Sandy. He had screwed up with her and he had done even worse with Genevieve.

 

_~”you're so deep in your denial that even **now** you can't admit it?~_

 

He recalled Sandy's words the night they had called off their engagement. It had been a horrible night, a culmination of months, of tension, of arguments and fights about something that had been harder and harder to ignore.

 

_~”What do you want me to say, Sandy? That I'm sorry? I am...I'm sorry all of this happened!”~_

 

Sandy's words had been harsh, a torrent of pent up frustration and anger that had just erupted that night. She had been right: he had cheated on her, had lied to her...and she had made sure he knew she had always known.

 

_~”And you'll just keep your heads buried in the sand about what's really going on until it kills you both..._

_You'll fuck up everything and everyone who gets between you two!”_

“ _What the hell are you talking about?”~_

 

She had tried to warn him that both Jensen and he had only succeeded at fooling themselves up to that point.

 

~ _”And you know what kills me here? That I *do* love you, Jared...I want you to be happy, but you'll never be, neither of you will...you'll keep doing the same mistakes!”~_

 

Even then Jared had pretended not to understand what Sandy had really meant. He had pretended to forget that part of their fight had even existed.

Not even Jensen had known about it.

 

_~ “Why are you so afraid to admit you're in love with him?”~_

 

Sandy didn't know that he hadn't been...not then. The fear had come later...but he hadn't been afraid to admit his love for Jensen.

He had been terrified of the depth of his feelings for him, though. It had scared him to death how deeply, how ferociously he had loved Jensen. It had terrified him how each and every cliché was true...how he couldn't breath without Jensen, how his smile made him believe God existed somewhere.

It had scared him to the core to realize how much his life had turned upside down and how much it revolved around Jensen.

 

And fear had made him screw things up so royally and completely that only now, almost a decade later, he was starting to see the dust settle.

 

He ran a hand through his hair, looking around, as he made himself comfortable on the bed, pushing Gen's clothes away. He reached for the remote and turned the tv on, flipping through the channels.

 

He had waited to come clean for years, he could surely wait a few more hours until Gen came home.

 

He couldn't help blinking in surprise and let out a strangled chuckle when he saw Jensen being interviewed by some reporter from E!, on the set of his new tv show. He knew about the show...and Megan, his adorable still hopeless romantic little sister, had made a point of keeping him in the loop about it.

 

“What the fuck, Megan?” He had said at the beginning.

 

“Please! You have flown all the way to New York for years, you haven't missed one of his plays and you want to start pulling this shit now? With me of all people?”

 

He hadn't watched Jensen's interviews, though, not even once...he hadn't been ready to. He wasn't sure he was ready now, but he had lived with his head buried under the sand for far too long.

Maybe it was time to finally get things right: with Genevieve, with himself...and sooner or later he would have to face the elephant in the room: Jensen and the gaping hole his absence in his life had created. He looked at the man who had been his lover, his everything, noting how the lines around his eyes and mouth were more pronounced and how tired he looked.

 

The look in Jensen's eyes was still haunted, like the last time he had had the chance to look at him in the eye, the night of the funeral, but he saw how the older man was trying his best not to show it, how much he was making an effort to play the game, for the show.

 

As always he was the consummate professional.

 

He wondered how bad things must have been for Jensen to pull that stunt in Japan a few years before. Would things have been different if he had refused to leave him that night? Would it have made a difference for both their lives?

 

Jensen was smiling, throwing glances at his co-star, playing the chemistry up for the camera and for a moment he felt irrationally jealous...and angry. For a moment he missed Jensen so much that it was like a physical ache, and his eyes stung with that feeling.

 

The report on E!, showed clips from the show – and Jared recalled that he had all the episodes downloaded on his laptop, courtesy of Megan – and he was amazed at the kind of character Jensen was playing...at how close he was, in some ways, to him. He shook his head, while his hand reached for his cellphone in the pocket of his jeans.

 

He didn't give himself time to think. He followed his instinct...just like he had always done with Jensen...when they had met and h had built down the man's walls one by one, trying to know him better, when he had first kissed him, after months of longing and rationalizing, when they had first made love, during that black out.

 

He texted Jensen, thinking how badly he had screwed things up when he hadn't listened to his instinct. He drew a deep breath, as his gaze fixed on the tv, where they were showing another clip from the show: he half smiled seeing the fan-service on screen, Jensen's character was shirtless in the half darkness of a bedroom, musing on some notes someone was sending him about his dead wife and their daughter.

 

He started, when he felt his cellphone vibrating in his hand.

 

He swallowed, suddenly nervous, casting a glance at the tv where he could still see Jensen, now smiling with his co-stars on the set of a photoshoot: he was smiling, while he joked with the two women, but he saw how the smiles he gave to them and to the camera were just his public smiles, the ones he gave for the press, the ones that didn't make wrinkle the corners of his eyes.

 

He was laughing, without throwing his head back...and Jared recalled how Jensen's laughter had been one of the first things that had made him fall in love with him, almost a decade before.

 

His hand gripped his cellphone, as he forced himself to tear his gaze away from the screen, to check the text.

“ _Thanks, J. I really appreciate it.”_

 

Jared let out a shaky breath, trying to remember his text to Jensen, without succeeding. It didn't matter, though. It had probably been something goofy, that in no way conveyed what he really felt.

 

What it mattered was that Jensen had answered. Granted, it was just six letters, nothing Earth shattering.

 

Except that it was.

 

_~ “I'm begging you, man”_

“ _Don't I have a say in the matter?”_

“ _No, Jay, you don't! We don't. This ends here and now~_

 

_This ends here and now..._ except that it hadn't. Not really, it didn't matter how much silence and distance he had put between them, how much he had tried to do the right thing. He was that 22 kid who had fallen in love with his costar and who, crazily enough, still was...and for the first time in longer he cared to remember he wasn't afraid. 

 

He had been terrified for years...and everyone had been able to play him using his fears: family, friends, his agent.

 

Not any more.

 

Maybe, he thought, the only reason Jensen had texted him back was because he had moved on. Yet he wasn't afraid.

 

His thoughts were interrupted by a noise in the hallways, he got up from the bed, and went to the door, steeling himself for what he was about to do.

 

Genevieve started in surprise when she saw him. She looked happier than he had seen her for a long time

 

_~You'll fuck up everything and everyone who gets between you two!~_

 

Fear, self deception, had blinded him for years...long before Danneel's death.

 

“You're back early...” Genevieve said, her voice couldn't hide her surprise or her implicit question: “why?”

 

“Surprise!” Jared said, he took some steps toward his wife, knowing he owed her some honesty and some truths. He owed her that much...he did to Jensen and he as well.

 

“We need to talk.” Jared said.

 

Genevieve nodded and took his hand in hers for a moment, “Yeah, we do...no more games, Jay...”

 

Jared nodded, squeezing her hand.

 

No more games.

_ **Part II** _

 

 

 

Jensen had almost forgotten what last weeks of shooting of a tv season were like and what they did to him. VCS was a hit show, that meant that the pressure on them was even heavier than what he had been used to.

 

The network kept breathing down their necks, they always had some journalist, reporter on set and paparazzi when they were shooting on location, the hours were crazy and character bleed could be a real bitch to deal with.

 

The icing on the cake, though, as far as he was concerned, was how much crap the blogs and gossipers were coming up with regarding his relationship with Eliza.

They were spinning things literally out of thin air.

 

He had groaned when he had finally be informed of what the rumor mill about him was these days.

 

No. Not again!

 

That time it was the network spinning the gossip, playing up the chemistry between Eliza and he. The thing was...he liked Eliza just fine, he really did: they had built an easy, comfortable working relationship, but that was about it.

 

He had fallen twice for the cliché: he had married one of his co-stars and had fallen madly in love with another...and he was still picking up the pieces, years later.

 

He hated that crap...gossip, rumors, it was one of the main reasons he had left Hollywood in the first place. He recalled only too well what had happened last time rumors had started to spread. He still recalled how his people had first downplayed the whole thing and then had freaked out.

 

He still recalled what rumors and innuendos had done to Jared and he...how they had been forced to face reality and everything had changed, tumbled down around them...because the rumors had been true, because they'd been too young, too stupid...too scared.

 

He wouldn't put his name through a meat grinder again, just to play the game. He had made sure his people, the network and J.C knew. He had made perfectly clear what he was willing to do, the lengths he was willing to play the game and  _that_ definitely wasn't in the fucking brochure. 

 

Let people assume whatever the fuck they wanted about his personal life, he was over that kind of crap.

 

That was why he hadn't been entirely surprised when he had been called to J.C's office on a Saturday morning, the only thing surprising him was that Eliza wasn't there, since she had been totally supportive of his decision.

Well, maybe not really and wholeheartedly supportive, but she had been a trooper, and Jensen had been grateful for that.

 

J.C.'s assistant greeted him with coffee, a huge smile and had turned her charm completely on, while she informed him that JC was ready to see him. 

 

Jensen ignored the pretty blatant attempts at hitting on him and thanked her with a curt nod of his head and a tight smile.

 

JC's office was huge and, as usual, a mess: two huge desks filled with drafts, books, magazines, dvds, there were some posters pinned to the wall and Jensen had to refrain from rolling his eyes seeing how high the network worshipped the Photoshop God when doing the Ads for their show.

 

The man was talking on the phone, wildly gesturing with his hands, and as he cussed a blue streak to someone, he gestured Jensen to sit. Jensen nodded his head and sat in front of his executive producer, wondering how someone who looked like he was fresh out of high school, ready to go to Comic Con, could produce, write and sometimes direct VCS: with its plethora of creepy things, textbook issues of neurosis and humor.

 

“Hey, Jensen!” JC greeted him, with a strong handshake, “Good to see you, man. Sorry I brought you here on a Saturday morning!”

 

Jensen eyed him suspiciously: he had known the man for almost a year now, and he knew he could be a consummate asshole one moment and one of the friendliest human beings he had ever met the other. He wondered which side of the man would he be met with that day, he smiled at the man and said, “No problems. What did you want to talk me about? Should we be waiting for Eliza and...?”

 

JC waved a hand dismissively and said, “I'll deal with that crap, don't worry”

 

Jensen tilted his head on a side. That was it? Well, he  **did** worry! The time when the Studios could decide for his life were long over. His priorities had changed,  _he_ had changed. He put on his best smile, though, and nodded at his producer waiting for him to talk, the man grinned, almost as if he had read his mind and said, “I will deal with it, Jensen. I remember very clearly our first conversation, I promise...”

 

“Then why...?” Jensen asked and didn't like the smile JC gave him in return. He didn't like it one bit, his gut clenched as he kept his poker face on and silently prompted JC to go on.

 

“It's about the season finale...” JC started and for some reason, Jensen didn't feel relieved. Because yes, he was top billing in the show, yes he did have some minimal say in what the fuck happened, but that was the first time JC had called in a meeting with him, about the show.

 

What. The. Fuck?

 

“I've cast the Sender” JC said. That caught Jensen's attention. The Sender was a faceless character so far, one who had sent clues to Gabriel all season long to help him make some light on his wife's murder and his daughter's kidnapping. The Sender was also a sadist son of a bitch and personally he had no idea whether he was Gabriel's wife killer or not and he knew better than ask JC.

 

“That's good...” Jensen said, but still his gut was clenched, he felt the air around them charged with something...and the feeling exploded when JC said, “I'm glad you're saying this, and I think ...scratch that, I _know_ you will knock the scenes with him out of the park!”

 

Jensen nodded, “Thank you,” He said, “So who will play the son of a bitch?”

 

He felt his face fall, crumble, almost, as JC spoke, “Jared Padalecki!”

 

* * *

 

Fall 2008, Los Angeles.

 

 

“Honey, I'm the one supposed to give you that _glow_ ” Danneel said nudging Jensen as they walked side by side

 

“Shut up” Jensen said, but he was smiling. Lately it was hard not to. Life was good: the show was doing good, it had survived writer's strike, he had a movie in the can, and things with Jared were great.

 

He was happy.

 

Granted, he was not going to become the next A lister any time soon, the movie he had in the can was a remake of a slasher movie...and being with Jared was like being smacked right in the middle of an emotional hurricane, but things were good now, so much that he had moved into Jared's house, so much that they had finally stopped addressing their relationship with “ _you knows_ ” and stopped pretending they were _just_ fuck buddies.

 

Things were complicated, they were messy, but Jensen didn't remember ever being so happy in his life and apparently people around him were noticing it...Danneel, for example, was teasing him mercilessly as he had dragged her in a bookstore, while doing shopping.

 

“Seriously, babe, you look ...” Danneel stopped, she sighed dramatically for a second, “highly fuckable, but I sincerely doubt someone would approve”

 

Jensen rolled his eyes at Danneel, “Oh, come on!” She said, “I _was_ your girlfriend, emphasis on _was,_ now you're all exclusive and monogamous and really...it's sick!” she stuck her tongue at him and linked her arm to his, as they kept on walking; Danneel hadn't made a big deal out of what had happened, she was a pragmatist, he recalled her saying, “Oh, well, at least we're done being in _three_ in this relationship. You guys finally woke up and smelled the coffee?”

 

Things had been tense for a little while, especially right after Jared and Sandy had broken off their engagement, but Danneel hadn't minded transitioning from real girlfriend to pretend one, at least from the time being.

 

He checked his cellphone, ignoring Danneel as she was saying something and smiled at the text he had gotten.

 

“Seriously, babe...just...” Danneel shook her head, but she was smiling as she mouthed, “dickmatyzed!” and Jensen didn't care...he didn't care about his friends teasing him mercilessly, he didn't care about other people hitting on him, like it had happened right before he had met with Danneel; it had been a guy, just the kind of man he'd have loved to get to know more, before...

He had just shrugged his shoulders, as he payed for the rare Pearl Jam vinile he had bought, had smiled and said, “Sorry man...got someone waiting for me home”

 

The guy – he hadn't even known his name – had shrugged his shoulders and went away throwing behind his shoulders, “Lucky guy...”

 

He didn't even mind acting like an idiot sometimes, or being transparent...which was surprising, considering how careful, how reserved he had always been.

 

Danneel, stopped walking, her face now serious and Jensen frowned, it didn't happen very often that Danneel really meant business when they talked, not on their shopping outings, but there was worry now in her eyes.

 

“What's up?” He asked.

 

“Let's...go get some coffee...” She only said.

 

* * *

 

The world was definitely turning on its axis if Danneel was trying to talk sense into him. Jensen sipped his coffee as Danneel talked, he didn't interrupt her,

 

“So...you're freaking out because people are talking?” Jensen asked, “honey, people _always_ talk...who cares?”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jen?” Danneel hissed.

 

“First...it's none of their fucking business, second I've got a girlfriend” he said making air quotes, “third...it's fans...no one believe them anyway!”

 

Danneel shook her head, “No, it's not just fans, Jensen... _people_ are starting to talk. If you could take a look outside of that padabubble of yours you'd have already noticed! Just...be careful, both of you.” Danneel sighed, “you aren't even trying to hide it!”

 

Jensen shrugged his shoulder. It was true...he was doing the bare minimum to hide his feelings. No, that wasn't entirely correct...he wasn't even trying to hide his feelings for Jared, it was their relationship he tried to hide...and apparently not very convincingly.

 

“Look...” Danneel said, “I'm happy for you, ok? I really am....even if Jared took you away from me and stuff” another smirk, then she said, “but think about the consequences...and about Jared.”

 

“What about Jared?” Jensen asked.

 

“Maybe you don't give a flying fuck about what people think about you guys...but what about him? Last I heard he still wanted to work on movies”

 

Danneel was looking at him, sincere curiosity in her features, real concern in her voice. The thing was...this was coming as a surprise for Jensen. Things had been relatively easy to deal with when Jared and he hadn't been living together, when neither of them had really a clue about what their relationship was really about. It had been easy attending events, press encounters, public functions...even if he knew that nine times out of ten the evening would end up with them, in bed, together.

 

But now...things were complicated. It was hard to pretend to be just Jared's buddy, his off-screen almost brother, and truth was Jensen wasn't even trying. And neither was Jared.

 

Jared...who had dreams, project, ambitions..but who had broken off his engagement to Sandy _for_ him. To be with him.

And they had never talked about the future, they had been too busy living the present: every minute, every moment engulfed in what Danneel had called a “padabubble”

 

“Look...you said the show will wrap at the end of this year, right?” Danneel said, “just be careful...be less obvious...at least for a while”

 

“Are we really that _obvious_?” Jensen asked after a few seconds of silence.

 

Danneel cocked an eyebrow at him, “I won't even dignify this with an answer, Ackles...and now, up we go...more shopping is waiting for us!”

 

* * *

 

It wasn't just Danneel. Jensen was surprised to get a call from his agent that afternoon...Jensen felt ice flowing through his veins, for a moment, when he told him that he was already in contact with Jared's people...and with people at the Network.

 

“Just what the hell are you guys doing?” His manager asked. “We have a meeting tomorrow morning...all of us, to discuss this mess”

 

_This mess..._

 

Jensen had refrained from objecting to his manager's words, he hadn't had really the time.

 

_This mess..._

 

Those words didn't leave him, not even after Jared called him, telling him he was taking the red eye flight to Los Angeles. Jared seemed so...innocent, like he had no idea what the hell was really going on. And he was.

 

They both had been.

 

They had both been happy...secure, building a life in their own house, working together as they loved their characters, and trying to untangle the mess their relationship had become.

 

Jared asked him not to pick him up at the airport, but Jensen didn't listen to him. He was at LAX when his flight landed, he saw him, before his ... _lover_ could see him, he saw the lines of worry on his face and despite the weight he could feel forming in his gut he couldn't help smiling seeing him dressed in his baggy clothes, a beanie to try and tame his floppy hair.

 

Jared looked tired...and worried. He could only imagine what his agent might have told him, and how his hyperactive mind was probably already in overdrive...

 

He took a deep breath, refusing to give into the fear he could feel already seeping inside of him. He walked toward Jared and for a moment, just one moment, Jensen felt very confident...he felt like nothing would ever change between them, nothing could make them change. Jared beamed at him and asked, “What are you doing here?”

 

“Picking up my partner...” Jensen said. “but I can go if you want...”

Jared rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Nope...”

 

Jensen noticed that Jared looked around for a moment before brushing his hand with the back of his, “Stay” he said with a smile.

 

Jensen nodded. “Let's go home...” he said.

 

Only later Jensen realized that had been the beginning of the end: not the meeting with their agents, their handlers and higher ups of the network. Not the whole web of lies, half truths, deceits that had been built...but that moment, at the airport, when it had been just the two of them...and neither of them had reassured the other that things would be okay.

 

* * *

 

“Jared Padalecki?” Jensen repeated looking at J.C, hating the smug expression on his face.

 

God, that man was probably a genius, but in that moment Jensen hated his guts.

 

“Yep!” J.C exclaimed, “Tall guy? Used to work on that little show on CW?”

 

“I'm sorry...” Jensen interrupted him, shaking his head; that couldn't be happening!

“He's guest starring?” He asked, not caring if he sounded or looked like an idiot.

 

“As the Sender” J.C said, “the creepy guy...you know?”

 

Jensen stood still, processing the information...he couldn't honestly blame J.C.: Jared was doing great with his career, he was genuinely happy for his results; he also knew that the Supernatural fans had been voicing and wanting a reunion of sort for years, so he got that having Jared on the show would generate some buzz...it would be good for the show, it really would...yet he loathed the very idea!

 

Jared as the Sender meant that he – in case he accepted – would become a semi recurring character on his show, and Jensen at the moment couldn't wrap his mind around that idea.

 

“This...” He chuckled, “is...unexpected! He doesn't need a guest stint on a tv show!”

 

“And you didn't want to get anywhere near Hollywood again, face it Ackles: we are the shit!”

 

JC still looked happy like a kid in a candy store and Jensen knew the man didn't care one way or another about his past. He couldn't care less about his personal tragedies, he knew nothing about his past decisions

 

“All I know,” JC had told him once, during the first few months of shooting, “is that you are always on time, nail every scene, you don't throw diva fits and keep it together...that's all that matters to me, man”

 

“Also...he is a fan of the show!” JC was saying, and Jensen knew he was talking about Jared. He had to smile, a heartfelt smile, at his producer's words. He knew Jared was a fan of the show...he had broken the silence between them with a text a few months before, rambling about how “ _fucking awesome you are, man...so proud of you!”_ and just a few weeks before, Mac had sent him a youtube link of an interview Jared had done where he had raved about the show...and him.

Mac's only words in the e-mail had been, “You _need_ to look at this....please”

 

Jensen had obliged his sister, it had been the first time he had brought himself to watch and interview Jared had done. One thing was catching his movies, or the hard to miss billboards...but he had always refused to watch any press he had done.

 

“Do you watch tv?” The interviewer had asked

“Not a lot, I don't have much time. But I always watch VCS. It's a cool show!” Jared had replied and Jensen hadn't been able to tear his eyes off of the screen, transfixed by Jared's face, taking in all the changes in the man. He noticed how much of his goofball persona Jared had lost, he had noticed how tired he looked...from his posture, hundreds of images filling in the blanks...images of the days on set, together, of Jared dead on his feet at the end of the day...and that weariness had been different, Jared had looked almost sombre, almost like during the first months after they had decided to revert to the original status quo.

 

Yet, Jared's smile, as he had talked about the show and about him had been genuine. Jensen had had no troubles recognizing it.

 

“Yeah...” Jared had been saying, and Jensen hadn't even bothered to replaying the last few seconds of the video, he had been frozen in place when Jared had said, “Jensen is very good, I'm immensely proud of him.” Jared had beamed and added, “He's totally kicking ass!”

 

Another smile...and Jensen had caught the glint in Jared's eyes as he had spoken, and he had been sure he hadn't imagined the way Jared's voice had almost imperceptibly dropped while saying his name.

 

He was past the point of imagining...past the point of dreams, hopes...

 

“Yes, we're still good friends! We have worked together for so long on our show...” Jared had smiled, it had been a smile Jensen had recognized...one he had felt on his own lips, while thinking back at his years on Supernatural. “Good times!” Jared had said.

 

The usual words...funny how, after all that time, they were still used to lying their asses off, and using the same words to cover up something completely different.

 

Jensen had looked at Jared's eyes and that glint, that ..spark had still been there, the one meant for him only, just like the little smile he had used to comment on him and their friendship.

 

And that look ...that smile, had come back in his dreams...and a few sleepless nights, after...so, yes, he definitely knew about Jared being a fan of his VCS, but why had he accepted to guest star in it?

 

It looked like he had spoken aloud without realizing it, because JC shrugged his shoulders and said, “Remember when I told you that I had never watched your old show?”

 

Jensen nodded, wondering how bad would it look and be if he socked his executive producer. Hey, maybe he'd get lucky and bloggers and fucking Perez Hiltons of the world would stop spinning crap about his non existent _steamy_ on set romance with Eliza!

 

“What can I say,” JC said, “I caught up with it...and...” he shook his head, “ ...you guys...wow...”

 

_If he says **that** word I'm outta there..._ Jensen thought for a second, suppressing a snort.

 

JC seemed to sense his annoyance, because he quickly said, “Anyway...ever since then, in my mind the Sender has always been Jared....so I called his agent and I got lucky, because your friend was there and he accepted right away!”

 

Jensen couldn't hide his surprise.  _Jared_ in person had accepted to guest star on his show? He rested his back against the chair and looked at JC who frowned and asked, “You didn't know?”

 

Jensen shook his head, throwing a glance at the man that clearly told him that he wasn't up to volunteer anything more about that issue.

 

JC ran a hand through his hair – as usual it was a mess of black curls that spiked in every direction – and his smile faded, his voice was all business when he asked, “It is going to be a problem?”

 

It wasn't the first time he had had that kind of conversation with a producer, regarding Jared. It had happened with Erik, with Sera...and he told JC exactly what he had told his former producers, “None whatsoever, J.C.”

 

JC wasn't Erik, JC had never been in the same room with them, hadn't seen hours and hours of dailies, or directed them during emotional scenes. JC, unlike Erik believed him.

 

He wasn't sure whether JC knew about Jared and he...he didn't even really care...what really surprised Jensen was that in that moment, JC didn't look concerned about the show...he looked concerned about him.

 

_And they say you're a good actor..._ a voice in the back of his mind snarked.

 

“I didn't mean about the episode” JC said with a sigh, he hesitated a moment before saying, “I once told you I didn't care about what your deal was...thing is...I'm not _supposed_ to...but that was then...”

 

Jensen gripped the armrest of the chair; he didn't need his producer to start talking about stuff, to play the sympathy card with him. He really, really didn't need JC to cross the line between co-worker, producer...and friend. That was not going to happen.

Once bitten, twice shy...as they said.

 

“Everything's fine!” Jensen said, unaware that his accent had slipped a little, or how harsh his voice had sounded, yet he was all smiles, recalling that he was indeed an actor and he had made a living out of lying...in more ways than one.

 

JC tilted his head on a side, and maybe he had gotten it all wrong...maybe JC, just like Erik wasn't buying a word he was saying...and just like his former producer he let it go in the end; he was the one averting his gaze, while Jensen's mind was still trying to wrap itself around the news.

 

Eventually JC sighed and said, “Fine...I know you guys will do a good job...this season finale is going to blow anyone away!”

 

Jensen nodded at his producer's, not doubting his words. The guy knew his job and the show's success was a proof of it. He could only imagine...what he'd come up with for his scenes with Jared...for the scenes between Gabriel and the Sender.

 

JC seemed satisfied, he dismissed him, reassuring him that he'd take care right away of those pesky rumors and asshole gossipers, and Jensen left his office, feeling his legs made of leaden, not even realizing, at first, how much his hands were shaking.

 

He stopped, dead on his tracks, outside the building when he realized that Jared hadn't even let him know he'd guest star on his show...that he had let his executive producer dealing with the news. For some reason that idea was upsetting him.

 

Why was Jared coming on his show? Why getting back into his life after three years? He had respected his wish...one he had made the night he had buried his wife and daughter...when he had been too stricken with grief and guilt to even bear to look at him.

 

Jared had respected his wish because despite the grief and the guilt, he had known he had meant every word he had said that night...and his absence in his life hadn't been felt only because he had been too numb to feel anything  _at all_ . 

 

He was still surprised when he realized that  _years_ had flown by since that night in Chicago, since he had answered his cellphone, smiling, his life perfect for the first time in a very long time, only to shatter in a matter of seconds.

 

The past few years were still a blur to Jensen, a haze that had been his comfort zone and that had lasted until he had started shooting VCS.

He was  _still_ a mess: he didn't get enough sleep, part of him...a huge part of him was still in that cemetery in Lousiana, wondering why the fuck he was still alive, why he couldn't take his wife or his baby girl's place. 

 

But somehow...numbness were starting to fade and he thought that ought to be some irony in the fact that Jared Padalecki was entering his life, again, just when he was feeling so exposed, so raw. He was surprised, when he realized, that the feeling of numbness had been part of his life for too long...even before the accident.

 

He had felt protected for years, sure in that thick molasses that had not allowed him to look too closely at his feelings, at how deep they still run for Jared.

 

He wasn't sure he was ready to face him. He wasn't sure he was ready to see how those past few years had changed things for him.

Maybe Jared had broken the silence between them and had accepted to guest star on his show because he had moved on, maybe Jared thought that he had as well.

 

“ _What was that?”_

_“A kiss...I made a mistake, Jen...”_

 

Jensen shook his head as he resumed walking and went to his car. It didn't really matter whether he was ready or not.

 

Jared was going to enter his life again...and all he could do was hoping it would not tear them apart, again.

 

 

* * *

 

“You are an idiot, you know that?” Megan Padalecki exclaimed, as Jared was moving a couch toward another wall because his sister had decided to go feng shui on his ass, while she helped him decorate his new home.

Jared sighed. “Am not...and wait....why would I be an idiot again?”

 

Megan crossed her arms over her chest, and cocked an eyebrow at him, and Jared couldn't help doing the same.

 

“Shall I give you the complete list, the greatest hits or just the newest brilliant stunt you're about to pull?” Megan said.

 

Jared tilted his head down, averting his gaze. Three days...in three days he would be on the set of Jensen's show, he would meet him again. “I didn't have another choice” he said in a low voice.

 

“Huh...the phone?” Megain said, and the disbelief in her voice would have been almost comical in other circumstances.

 

“I couldn't just pick up the phone...” Jared said

 

Megan rolled her eyes, “Sure you couldn't. I mean...flying from Budapest to New York during the shooting of a movie, on your only _free_ week end, unbeknownst to your then wife, to watch him doing some obscure piece, that was totally okay ...and don't forget logical!”

 

“It was Arthur Miller...” Jared said.

 

Megan tilted her heads up, “Oh, then it's totally reasonable! Whereas picking up the phone and at least telling him you'd guest star on _his own_ show? Nah...that's nuts!”

 

She shook her head and Jared said, “Look, I know it looks...scratch that, I know it's over the top...”

 

“That's the point, Jared!” Megan exclaimed getting close to him, she took him by his shoulders and said, “That's all you guys have ever done! Couldn't you have just picked up the phone and acted like a normal person?”

 

“He wouldn't have answered.” Jared said.

 

“He answered to your text.” Megan reasoned, “and he sent you one when he's been informed you were going to guest star...”

 

“Oh, yes, 'Really, dude?'” Jared said and he was getting annoyed at his sister, “Very warm and ….”

 

“Oh, shut up, I was there when you got it, you couldn't stop shaking!” Megan sighed, “and what did you expect? You're going to barge into his territory with the whole...baggage you guys carry...fuck, Jared I'd be pissed off!”

 

“Watch your mouth, Meg!” Jared said reflexively.

 

Megan cocked an eyebrow at him but didn't reply at first, she shook her head and went back to some cushions she was placing around the room, after a few minutes she asked, “Can I at least know what do you think you're going to do this time?”

 

Jared shrugged his shoulders, “I just want him, Megan...just ...”

Megan sighed, sitting next to him on the couch, “You always have, what's changed since you actually had him?”

 

“I have...” Jared said, and his sister's words were cutting him, deep. He had had Jensen...they had had each other, they had had it all.

 

Megan looked at him, “Yeah....” she nodded her head, “I guess you really have changed....”

 

“I'm in love with him...” Jared said in a low voice, without even looking at his sister.

 

Her sister chuckle made him start, she nudged him and said, “Gotta tell you, bro, you did a _lousy_ job at pretending you weren't...so go and get him, for real...this time, or help me God..”

 

“No need to threaten...” Jared said smiling, “Do you think...Jensen...” he felt suddenly unsure, Megan seemed to read right through him, she covered his mouth with her hand and said, “Jensen? The same Jensen Ackles we both know? Yeah...I think he still does. But there's only one way to find out, don't you think?”

 

Jared nodded, Megan smiled at him and said, “And now, can we go back to make this place presentable?”

 

“Slavedriver” Jared snorted.

 

“And don't you forget it...” Megan smirked. Jared turned his back at her, and couldn't help a little smile when he heard his sister saying under her breath, “besides I doubt it will be a bachelor pad for long...”

 

* * *

 

He didn't usually talk when he went there. He was precise, every other week end he would take his flight to Lousiana, make sure he would not meet his inlaws, and would spend some time there, in the cemetery, alone.

 

His friends had asked him why he kept doing that, at least at the beginning, now they mostly left him alone, none of them understood, none of them could...and Jensen had never felt like explaining himself about that.

Besides it was quite obvious, wasn't it?

 

He had placed the flowers on Danneel's grave, next to the fresh ones her parents must have put there, and another bouquet, this one smaller for Amy, his baby girl.

 

He turned his head toward Danneel's grave, and took a step closer, kneeling in front of it “He's coming back, Danni...” he said in a low voice, almost a whisper, “three days...”

He looked around, noticing no one was around thankfully, “and...I'm scared” he smiled little, “yeah, big news there, I know....” He touched her grave and continued, “I'm sorry...I'm _so_ sorry!”

 

It was the first time he said those words aloud, they had been inside of him for years, since the very first moment, becoming bigger and heavier with each passing year; he felt breathless as he had finally said those words, and his mind, now that the dam had been opened, apparently couldn't shut up

 

“ _I'm sorry I wasn't there...sorry I wasn't in love with you, I'm so sorry I didn't even try._

 

“I'm sorry I _couldn't_ ” he said in a nasal voice. He closed his eyes and started when he felt the first drops of rain hitting his face, followed by a loud thunder.

 

He tilted his head up under the pouring rain, glad it was so heavy, that no one, not even him, would have been able to tell the difference between the rain and the tears he could feel trailing down his cheeks.

 

“He's coming back and I don't know what to do...” He said. He waited for an answer, a sign, but when he looked down at his wife's grave and that of their daughter he saw nothing...just the past...just his mistakes.

 

_Oh, well, at least we're done being in three in this relationship. You guys finally woke up and smelled the coffee_

 

“ _So we're getting married 'cause Jared is marrying Gen? How romantic, J...I'm moved”_

 

“ _We love each other”_

 

“ _Yeah, just not like_ _ **that**_ _...oh, what the hell...okay, let's get married, but I want it on record, Ackles: it's a lousy idea...”_

 

“ _Yeah, just gotta do some shopping and then I'm going back home, speaking of which...are you going to show yourself before Amy is borne or...?”_

 

“ _I'll be home tomorrow, I promise”_

 

“ _You and your promises, Ackles...”_

 

“ _Drive safely...”_

 

“ _As always...oh by the way, Ackles, I kinda love you sometimes...”_

 

Just his past, his mistakes...but for the first time, since the night of the accident, his heart didn't feel as heavy...there was grief....for Danni, for their baby girl...but he felt his heart lighter...like saying those words had indeed lifted a weight from it.

 

Just three days...

 

**Part III**

 

“ _It was my last scene for the season” Ackles explains, “JC is always doing this kind of stuff! He actually made sure that Jared and I didn't meet beforehand” [he laughs]. We hadn't worked together for a long time, but it didn't feel like that. We know each other very well and we just...I don't know, man, Jared set the tone for the scene and I just followed him...it turned out ok, don't you think?_

_[…]_

“ _I think it's great. Jared is a very good actor and we've been happy to have him on the show: the more the merrier!”_

  * _**Except from an interview to Jensen Ackles from Entertainment Weekly**_

 

 

It turned out that Jared had just had three days on set – he would dub his part of the coverage for the phone calls for episode 21 and for the season finale- during which their paths hadn't crossed...not even once. 




 

Jensen knew of course that Jared had been on set, everyone did, he knew he had shot his scenes with the other guest star of the seasons finale, while he was stuck doing his coverage and close ups for about a million of scenes, and of course there had been some interviews to be done about the season finale, about the fact that Eliza and he were absolutely, definitely not dating. He had been asked about Jared about a million times and it had been weird and surreal talking about him...without having seen him. 

The son of a bitch hadn't even been at the reading for the script, stuck with promotion for one of his movies, he had been unable to attend. He had texted him, though, apologizing. 

 

Jensen had felt like in an episode of the Twilight Zone...texting with Jared about work, like nothing had happened...and still he hadn't seen him. Jared had shot his two scenes with Eliza that morning, one which took place in one of the set of their apartments – aka according to Eliza and he: houses that normal FBI agents could never ever afford unless being secret hookers or something – and the other on location – in what Eliza and he had nicknamed 'filthy alley where creepy and bloody shit happens #6' -

 

He had a vague suspicion that JC had made sure Jared and he wouldn't meet right until they had to shoot their scene together – which would happen in about a hour and no, he was _not_ sweating bullets, he was a professional. Kind of. 

 

And about JC? After almost a year working with JC? He _knew_ he could be a devious son of a bitch. 

 

He had had an interesting conversation with Eliza while on location for one of their scenes, a few hours before. It had been random...one moment Eliza had been staring at his hands and a second later she had asked, “Is this your wedding ring?”

 

“What?” Jensen had asked, almost chocking on his coffee. 

 

Gabriel still wore his wedding ring and at the time they had shot the pilot episode, Jensen who had been still wearing his, had decided not to use the prop ring he had been given and the thing had stuck...and so far no one had known or noticed. 

And the levels of self torture he had put himself through sometimes kind of surprised Jensen. 

 

“Sorry...” Jensen said to Eliza, he looked at his co-star and asked, “Yes, but where does this...”

 

“Jared” Eliza said, she shrugged, “he told me...we were, you know, chatting....”

 

“About my wedding ring...” Jensen said. And it didn't come out as a question...he was walking the thin line between being amused, embarrassed and pissed off.

Yep, Jared was definitely back in his life.

 

Eliza nodded, smiling a little, “Oh, you know this and that...mostly about rumors, about stuff...”

 

Jensen shook his head, “I'm afraid I'm not following”

 

Eliza laughed, “Oh, honey...” she gave him a pat on the shoulder, “You worked with guy for about a century and you're lost?” she looked around for a moment and then in a low voice added, “Well, let's just say that if you were a tree and he were a dog, he'd be marking you right now. I mean...” she continued making air quotes with her fingers, “he wasn't very 'subtle'” 

 

Jensen couldn't help it, he facepalmed. He didn't even remember the last time he had done so. That was so **typycally** Jared! And he didn't know whether to feel happy, pissed off or embarassed by what Eliza was implying, and the feeling went up a notch or two – or half a dozen – when Eliza continued, “So he's the lucky one?”

 

Jensen couldn't help looking at Eliza...and he realized in that moment that maybe gossipers ahd one thing right...maybe Eliza did indeed had a crush on him.

 

“It's complicated” Jensen said. 

 

Eliza didn't talk as the make up girls retouched her make up and sprayed some fake blood on the side of her face and neck and then did the same to his forehead and hands. 

 

She moved, reaching her mark, she only had to adjust her microphone, when she said, “Understatement of the year, honey...”

 

_Make it of the decade_ He thought with a sigh..

 

“But I still don't get the ring thing” Jensen said, reaching his mark and checking his own microphone. 

 

“Your boyfriend is a geek...” Eliza simply said.

 

Jensen couldn't help it, he burst out laughing but he didn't correct Eliza on her words. 

Eliza tilted her head on a side, “So that's your real laughter?” her voice had been low and almost sad; it lasted just for one moment, though, then Eliza let Sarah and the scene they were about to shoot, a complicated scene between the two characters, one where they would fight because of the Sender, after having lost a vital witness shot in front of them, a fight where the budding trust and relationship between the two characters would be put into question because of someone neither of them had really seen or met, yet. 

 

“It's good to finally hear it....” Eliza said, her voice already Sarah's, but the twinkle in her eyes was that of his costar and friend. 

 

* * *

 

It figured that the first time Jared Padalecki saw Jensen Ackles, again, so close to be able to touch him, they'd been on set, with the stunt guy who was showing them the moves for the first part of their scene together. 

 

The scene would cover the last few minutes of the season, its climax; he had talked to JC about the scene, since he was the episode's director and the man had looked at him for a long moment, before giving him _carte blanche_ for the scene. “Hit your marks and do your thing, Jared...”

 

Somehow, the producer's words had upset Jared...almost as if he knew something, or expected something in particular from him. 

 

He hadn't seen Jensen on set or on location, for some reason they had always been in different places, and the waiting ...the nerves were absolutely _not_ starting to take their toll on Jared. So much that he managed to be the consummate professional he was, when he finally was in the same room with him. 

 

Jensen nodded at him, that was his only greeting. Not that he had expected anything different from him, on set, among the crew members, not while he was already in his character's headspace, dressed in his bloodied clothes, while listening to J.C and the stunt guy explaining the scene.

 

For a moment, though, when the stunt guy showed them a move, they exchanged a glance...and the deja vu he felt, from his days on Supernatural, was so strong that Jared almost staggered with it. It had been one of those knowing glances they used to exchanging all the time, while playing characters they had known like the back of their hands. 

 

And for a moment...there had been warmth in Jensen's eyes, and it didn't matter how many times Jared had seen him performing in theater...he had almost forgotten how breathtaking that man could really be. He had almost forgotten what it was like to lock gazes, even if for a moment, with him. 

 

It only lasted a moment, though, Jensen was busy...that was _his_ show, one of the most important scenes of the season, and Jared wasn't surprised in the least in seeing how involved he was with the whole thing. 

 

Finally the stunt guy, JC and other crew members cleared the area and Jared heard JC announcing that all non essential personnel had to leave the set “right the fuck now” and he was face to face with Jensen, as the crew adjusted the shot all around them.

 

“How are you?” He asked. Really...he could do smooth, when he wanted. 

 

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him and it didn't surprise Jared in the least that he could still read Jensen like an open book, Jensen's eyes, his stare was totally saying, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

“Fine, you? Gen?” He replied, his voice light and casual, like they were buddies, like it wasn't the first time they were talking in years. 

 

“I'm fine...Gen...well, she's fucking one of her costars, last I heard” Jared said. And smooth had definitely left the building. 

 

“Sorry about that, man” Jensen said, and the worst of it...was that he really seemed to mean it. 

 

Jared shrugged, “Don't be, I've been a lousy husband to her, I should have probably gotten a clue with Sandy, you know...” he stopped and started when Jensen's hand went on his bicep. The older man took a step forward, entering his space – funny...it used to be _his_ space...people wondered how on Earth they didn't trip all the fucking time all over each other – and Jared looked at him, and the intensity in Jensen's stare stopped him, while his heart had other ideas...it drummed in his chest, it ached...especially when Jensen hissed, “Not here. Not fucking now!”

 

He was right. They had a scene to shoot, a long, difficult scene...he had been the one barging in into his life...yet his words stung. Jared nodded and then said, “Can we talk...later?”

 

Jensen nodded his head as JC called the shot, told them to get in position.

 

It was time to become the Sender, the creepy guy who was fucking with Gabriel's life and mind, who had indirectly caused Sarah to be hurt, who had just put Gabriel through hell. Somehow Jared had no problems thinking Jensen and he would pull that scene off. 

 

Hurting each other had been kind of what they had done for almost a decade. 

 

* * *

 

Moments before JC shouted everybody to shut up, moments before the scene started, Jensen was thinking...his fingertips still warm, still tingling after he had touched Jared, like they hadn't spent years apart, like he was _allowed_ to. 

 

Hundreds, thousand of images flashed in his mind and Jensen was simply too _tired_ to fight them, he let himself be taken over by them...he saw, felt, recalled the transition from co-stars, best friends, fuck buddies to lovers...to secret lovers...to what they had been toward the end with Jared. It had happened when he had started spending his nights in Jared's bed after they made love, reasoning that he was too tired to drag hiss to his room. It had happened when they had spent lazy morning in bed, watching tv, and sex had just been an afterthought. It had happened when seeing Gen and Jared together had made him feel like the dirty little secret...and Jared had noticed, of course he had...because at that point they had known each other too well, too deeply not to notice things. 

 

He recalled how Jared had known everything about him and how in the end he had been the one who had started the _talk_ , not that it would have made any difference, since they had both agreed. They hadn't fought, there hadn't been a falling out, because too much of what had gone on between them had been consumed in secret, and it wouldn't have made sense. 

 

He recalled how they had both agreed, how they had both pointed out the cons, all the reasons why they had to stop what they were doing, before it was too late – and almost a decade later the bitter irony of it all would it Jensen, as he squinted his eyes while he hit his mark, on another set - , before they'd end up fucking up their friendship and their careers. 

 

“ _You're with me on this, Jen?”_

 

And yes, of course, Jensen had been with him, had nodded his head, had chosen to ignore the pleading he had heard in Jared's voice, the hurt in his own heart. Just like they had both ignored the elephant in the room with them, that day. How it was already way too late, how you couldn't just switch a button and pretend you weren't in love with someone. 

 

He recalled how neither of them had voiced a single thing about the _pros_ of them being together, about how easy it was, how fun they had together, how free and alive they both felt, how good it was...

 

Thinking back about that day, Jensen realized, for the first time, that they hadn't even looked at each other while talking. He recalled how he had relied on his training as an actor, how he had dug his fingers in the palms of his hands not to voice out the question that had kept ringing in his mind, in his heart...the question that he had felt hovering over them, coming from Jared too, “ _What about us? What about...the fact that we love each other?”_

 

He recalled the silence in the room, their kitchen, with the furniture they had picked out together, and how it fucking didn't make sense...and how his voice had been the essence of calm, of reason as he said, “Totally, man...”

 

“So, we're still good? I mean, you know I _love_ you, right? But...this...” Jared had talked quickly, and had stopped, gesturing with his hands at the space between them, at the room...at their life together, and only then had Jensen really looked at him, noticing the feelings going through Jared's eyes: hope, fear, helplessness...and almost a decade later, as the bell rung and he squared his shoulders, he wondered what would have happened if he had called Jared's bluff out that morning...if he had told him that what they had was more important than a tv show or their careers. 

 

Fear, though, was a nasty bitch. Fear had paralyzed him, so he had just reached out over the table and squeezed Jared's shoulder before saying, “Yeah, I know that...”

 

Jared hadn't flinched away and Jensen had allowed his hand to linger for a moment more than it was necessary, before slowly pulling away.

 

They had broken up over breakfast on a Sunday morning and had spent the following two years pretending they never had even needed that conversation to begin with. Jensen had pretended he didn't know how Jared tasted like, what it felt like to feel the man's breath tickling his nape when he had held him before drifting to sleep together.

 

There hadn't been relapses, not even for old time's sake, they had made sure of that. They had been true to their words...they hadn't even needed to talk about it, to set rules between them, to talk about how dangerous it would be. They had kept being on the same page. At least on that. 

 

Things had changed, though, and they had tried their best not to fuck things up, not to ruin their friendship. They had tried to do their best to move on: engagements, weddings, time apart...they had made sure to build walls that kept them apart....and it had worked. God helped them, it had. 

They had put on the show of a lifetime during their last few years in Vancouver: a show within the show. 

And it didn't matter if their touches lingered a bit longer while playing Dean and Sam; just like it didn't matter if they carefully kept their distance while posing for pictures at public events. 

It didn't even matter if Danneel had started to call Jared “ _the other one”_ or if Gen staked her claim on Jared whenever they were all three together. 

 

It didn't matter, because the status quo ante had been reaffirmed, their friendship was still there, maybe a bit worn around the edges, but it was still solid, still real...and their careers were safe. They had stopped being so fucking afraid of so many things. 

 

So what if he had drunk himself almost into a coma the day before Jared got married? What if he didn't remember one single moment of his own wedding because he had been completely wasted? He had loved Danneel, Jared had loved Gen. 

 

So when they had wrapped Supernatural, he had hugged Jared, held him tight, and letting him go had been the single hardest thing he had ever done in his life – or so he thought at the time – it had been even worse than watching him marry Gen. 

Yet he had let him go...and so had Jared. They hadn't even needed to promise to keep in touch, they just had: texts and e-mails, phone calls that made his sides hurt with too much laughter and his heart bleed with something he had refused to acknowledge. 

 

They had kept up the charade, they were even now, as the seconds tickled by, and Jensen's mind was in overdrive, filled with memories he had kept locked up for years, with feelings that thick cloud of numbness had not allowed him to feel. To think he had really believed, at one point, that he would get over Jared, over that _thing_ he had had with his co-star. To think he had tried to rationalize it, trivialize it, being a jaded bastard about it: boy meets boy, boy and boy fuck, boy and boy fall in love but decide that living in the closet is the easy way out. Boy breaks up with boy, boys go on with their lives. Boys fall out of love. 

 

How fucking naïve he had been. 

 

He had reasoned that they had been young and crazy, and stressed, and that playing brothers whose bond and love redefined the words messy and dysfunctional hadn't helped things. And it had become his mantra when Danni had announced she was pregnant. 

 

He had been full of shit...and the night of the accident proved it in every possible way. In a heartbeat everything came crashing down: the walls – which apparently were paper thin anyway – between Jared and he, when he knocked on his hotel room and it just took one kiss and a word to erase the past few years...and then everything else, when the phone call came. 

 

When the dust settled, when he was alone, and finally realized the magnitude of his fuck up it was too late: he was just too numb with heartbreak to try and pick up the pieces. 

 

“And...action!” JC announced.

 

Jensen let out a shaky breath...and begun to act.

 

* * *

 

 

He had really forgotten one thing...one John Shiban had told in front of journalists ten years before. “You can't manufacture chemistry”

Jensen had worked his ass off with Eliza, to make the chemistry happen. To make it believable, to sell the budding and messy relationship between Gabriel and Sarah. 

 

With Jared? It just took a second, a split second, and the magic happened. Like they had never stopped working together. He felt it...so suddenly and strongly that he had to refrain from looking down, at his clothes, sure as he had been, for a moment, that he would see Dean Winchester's faded jeans and plaid shirts and not Gabriel Cole's pants and his bloodied, rumpled shirt. 

 

It was all in his eyes, he thought, like it had always been.

 

_I got your back, man..._

 

_I think it's our souls reacting to each other..._

 

_My God, Jay, that's deep..._

 

_Oh, shut the fuck up, I was being nice..._

 

_Sap_

 

_Idiot_

 

Even at their worst, at their shittiest, even at the very beginning, there had always been a connection, that bond that had made the shooting of Supernatural easy...and had made their personal lives a mess.

 

...and it was still there, even now while he was saying his lines, staying in character, hanging on Gabriel with dear life. And if Gabriel sounded as if he had just run a marathon, well....that wasn't just acting.

 

He had been running for years, and he was exhausted, now. And Jared was there...apparently as tired as he was, his voice as thick as his, backing him up, challenging him, completing him. 

 

He kept his gaze locked with Jared, as his former co-star seamlessly played his part: the creepy, mysterious man, who was in his apartment now, dressed in black, a beard to cover his face – and really if that had been Jared's idea? It had been low, the bastard knew what his bearded face did to him...Jensen almost rambled with himself-.

 

He was moving, slow measured steps, sensual almost, as he played the guy who might or might not be a serial killer, the man who had kidnapped his baby girl, who had shattered his life...and Jared was nailing every single line, every pause, every movement. He had seen Jared playing evil characters before, but that was completely different. 

 

It wasn't just the acting; they might not have talked or seen each other for years, but he had watched Jared's movies. He knew he had gotten better at his craft. No, it was something else...something that no one would have noticed...unless knew – or used to , he corrected himself - him very well. 

 

It was a ...bitterness, a sense of emptiness that Jensen recognized, knew even. God...did he know it. 

Not for the first time, he wondered about the repercussions that night had had on Jared. 

 

_I'm not gonna leave you alone...._

 

He squelched the thoughts that were forming with practiced ease, while he was on character it wasn't hard to. Hell, he had become a pro at being in some kind of character all the fucking time, and focused on the scene, and almost lost it when he caught the knowing glance in Jared's eyes. 

 

Fuck...was he still able to do that? Could he still read him like an open book? 

 

He blinked, losing his momentum, and then as Jc yelled, “Still rolling, still rolling!” he grasped Gabriel back, thinking in a fit of professional pride, that he wouldn't let Jared steal the climax of the season from him...and underneath it all, he just didn't want him to see how much power he still held over him. 

And if that thought made him an asshole, so be it. He could live with being a jerk. 

 

Jared moved, he wasn't ad libbing, Jensen noticed, it was actually on the script that he would crowd his space, but the way he was looking at him now, the stance of his body, the predatory gleam in his eyes? _That_ definitely wasn't in the script. 

 

_Oh..._ It was the only thing his mind could come up with, as his body, his muscle memory reacted to Jared's proximity. Jared smirked as the distance between them grew thin, as he hissed his lines, and he could basically feel the hotness of Jared's breath against his face, as he – as some people said on the internet – eye fucked him while saying his lines. 

 

_I can play too, fucker_ his eyes told Jared and his former co-star 

 

_lover, best friend_

breathed his next lines, accepting his challenge, welcoming it, inviting him to do more. 

 

Gabriel was reacting to the Sender, his lines came out in a voice that he barely recognized as his own, all the pent up rage, the fear, the weariness after the hell he had been through came pouring down from his lips.

 

Jared tilted his head on a side, and said his lines, the ones that would end up in the trailer for the season finale, the second to last line of the season, “Aren't you going to ask me what you really want to know, Gabriel?”

 

Jensen took a step back, ad libbing, careful to be still in his mark as he felt cold seeping through his body. Jared had used the same tone of voice three years before, the last time they had seen each other before that day.

 

_Don't I have a say in the matter?_

 

The tears, those were unscripted, and stung his eyes and they weren't pretty or manly as his fans loved to call them. 

They were real. They hurt. 

 

“You son of a bitch...” He almost growled. 

 

Why was he doing this? Why had he come to his show? Why had he got back to his life?

 

If Jared had noticed the way his tone of voice had hit him, he didn't show, he stayed in character, as he took a step forward, his hands up, 

 

“Was it you?” Jensen asked, “Did you kill my wife? Did you take my baby girl?” his voice broke on the last words, and he was glad Jared had already shot his coverage for that scene, as he shot his last scene with Eliza, because he felt like his soul was being ripped apart as he said the last lines.

 

“And...cut! That's a print!” JC said and Jensen let out a breath, his legs shaking, as he dimly heard JC saying, “Ladies and gentlemen this is Jensen's wrap for the season!”

 

People around him clapped, he saw the set filling up again with people, as he felt drained, lightheaded, and wanted nothing more than to flee...he moved, only to find himself in front of Jared. 

 

He didn't talk, didn't say a word, and Jensen didn't trust his voice at that point. Jared smiled and for a moment, it was like time really hadn't passed, like it was just the day before when they had it all...when they thought they could have it all...and things were messy and they were whole. And then he felt himself move and felt Jared's arms wrap around him, enveloping him in a hug. 

 

And for a moment, just one moment, Jensen let himself feel...really feel. He let Jared shield him, he let the past stay in the past. For a moment, for the first time in what it seemed like forever, he felt _home._

 

_* * *_

 

Jensen had left.

 

Jared had been stuck on set, shooting another scene, and some other coverage, and Jensen had just...left...and Jared was furious and hurt. 

 

Not that he had expected Jensen to fall into his arms and forget everything that had happened, and ride into the sunset with him...but he had thought, felt that there was still **something** , especially after the scene they had shot together.

 

Not after the end of the scene...where he had seen Jensen falling apart, his words...Gabriel's words, cutting through him like broken glass and apparently he had been the only one to notice, he had moved as people around them clapped, congratulating Jensen, and had hugged him...held him. And there had been nothing sexual in his gestures, unlike the scene they had shot, where he had let himself and all his self imposed walls down, and played with the chemistry he could feel crackling in the air. 

 

He had held Jensen...and maybe, at some point, he had been the one holding him, he wasn't sure. He didn't even know how long they had been in each other's arms. And he was fighting against tears of anger, now, as he dialed Jensen's number, while driving outside the parking lot of the soundstage. 

 

Because he wasn't going to let Jensen out of his life, not again. Truth was he should have made that phone call years before.

 

He had lived in a limbo for years and he was pretty sure Jensen had lived through hell for the past few years...and it had been in every muscle, every breathe, every heartbeat as Jensen had breathed against his neck, as he had held him...and he had felt like breathing again, like being really alive again. 

And he had remembered that once he had used to feel like that: alive, real, whole, happy...every single day of his life. 

 

They had fucked up, they had chosen what it had appeared like the easy way out...only making more mistakes. They had hurt each other...over and over, unwillingly, because God knew they had never meant to. They had hurt other people...and in the end nothing had really changed, at least for him. 

In the end he was back to square one, like the kid who had been when he had met Jensen. 

 

“Jay...” Jensen's voice was weary and hoarse when he answered the phone. Jared pulled over, and let out a sigh. Jensen had picked up the phone...and Jared felt almost on the verge of hysteria. 

 

“Don't do this again, man....please!” Jared said, and if it came out as a plea, if he sounded as if he was begging...he couldn't bring himself to care. 

 

The thing is...he could live without Jensen, he had...he had walked, talked, worked, eaten, slept, fucked...but it hadn't felt real. He could exist without Jensen, and if the man now decided to hang up on him, he would keep existing, but it wouldn't feel real. It wouldn't be living, not really. 

 

“I...” Jensen trailed. 

 

“You were right that night...we've danced around the truth for too long...we need to talk. Please, Jensen...”

 

He closed his eyes when he heard Jensen's sigh, trying to will his heart to calm down its frantic beating. That was it...it was up to Jensen, now. And even if deep down he couldn't believe it could be over, not after having locked gazes with Jensen while they were shooting their scene, not after the way they had held onto each other after. Time seemed to dilate as he, alone in his car, parked on the side of a road, waited for Jensen to talk...and his mind was filled with images, sounds...he recalled the kids they had been when they had first met, nervous as hell before a reading, how the instant connection they had felt had made them feel bigger than life as they became Dean and Sam Winchester.

 

He recalled days on set, how easy it had been...how falling in love had been just a natural step, one he had fought every step of the way...

 

He recalled the first time Jensen and he had made love, really made love, how it had been different...how pretending had been just an exercise in futility after that. He recalled how breaking up with him had felt like shedding a piece of his soul...and another the day he had seen Jensen marry Danneel.

 

He recalled Jensen's smile when he had opened the door of his hotel room in Chicago, his disbelief, and his lips and how, for a few hours, it had been perfection...how nothing else but them had mattered, how they had dreamt...together. Until the phone call. 

 

He recalled...saw Jensen, after...all the times he had seen him perform in theater, noticing the haunted look in his eyes, wishing he could just reach out and touch him...until that day. 

 

He knew how difficult it was for Jensen...had felt it, he knew how much of Gabriel's issues were his own...he had known, felt, ever since he had first watched Jensen in his show how much he had been using the character he played to channel and deal with his own demons....just like he knew he was in love with the idiot who was still breathing over the phone, without uttering a sound and that he would not allow him to get out of his life again.

 

They deserved another chance. 

 

Almost as if Jensen had read his mind, he said before hanging up, “I'll text you my address.”

 

* * *

 

**Louisiana 3 years before**

 

In the end Jensen had refused to stay with his in laws after the funeral. He hadn't objected when Danneel's parents had asked to bury their daughter and their granddaughter there, even if Jared suspected Jensen had been still too numb to really understand what they had been saying. 

 

He had stood still, rigid, oblivious to everything that wasn't the two caskets being lowered to the ground during the funeral; his face a blank mask, his eyes hidden by the sunglasses he had worn. 

He hadn't talked, hadn't said a word to anyone, only when Danneel's parents had asked him to come over, to their house he had talked, saying a curt, “No, thank you.”

 

They were in Jensen's hotel suite, Jared hadn't left Jensen's side one moment since the phone call, he knew there would be questions, but those would have to wait...everything had to wait. Jensen was what really mattered, Jensen...who was saying good bye to his parents and siblings now, his voice calm, collected, his face still a too pale mask. 

 

He let himself be hugged by Mac, who unlike her brother had red rimmed eyes and had tears streaming down her face even as she had thanked him and whispered against his ear, “Help him...please, Jay...”

 

He had let himself be hugged by Josh, who had looked worried and sombre, but accepting of his presence in that room, that night. Alan had hugged him and Jared had noticed how he had seemed to age in the span of few days, he looked confused, distraught...but for the first time since they had known each other he didn't see any judgment in the older's man eyes. 

Donna hadn't hugged him, she had taken his hand in hers for a moment, without talking, her eyes boring into his, and beneath the grief there had been something else...something Jared hadn't been able to identify.

 

He sighed as he closed the door, tilting his head on a side to try and ease the soreness in his muscles. He caught Jensen, leaning against a wall for a moment, his eyes closed, the lines around his eyes and mouth more pronounced than they had been just a few days before. He knew Jensen ought to be exhausted, he had slept for a few hours, the night before, and he suspected it had been just the man's body blacking out, stealing a few hours away from the grief that was like a tangible, living creature in the room. 

 

He looked at the man, without having any idea about what to do, what to say. He knew Jensen wouldn't keep up the charade for long, he'd been going on autopilot, through the motions since their plane had landed in Los Angeles and they had rushed to the hospital. 

 

Jensen hadn't really caught a breath, and now they were alone...and that suite was too big and the silence too thick and Jared felt like screaming. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm down and when he opened them he noticed Jensen, he had moved, getting near the window, he was looking at him through the glass and Jared couldn't help noticing how dry and bloodied Jensen's eyes were. 

 

“Can...can I get you anything?” He said.

 

Jensen turned and looked at him and for a moment it was like nothing had happened, nothing at all...like Jensen hadn't just buried his wife and his one day old daughter, the incredulity on his face was so _normal_ that Jared felt his chest constricting.

 

God...what the fuck had happened? How was it even possible?

 

It only lasted a moment, then Jared saw, in horror, as that blankness fell again over Jensen and the man said, “No, thanks, I'm good”

 

Jensen ran a hand through his hair, took some steps then slowly sat on a couch, the one farthest from him and rested his head against the headrest, keeping his eyes open, fixed on the ceiling.

 

Jared didn't think he had ever hated silence as much as in that moment, it was suffocating, it was deafening...it was thick with tension, so much that he started when Jensen, without looking at him said, “Will you quit staring at me?”

 

Jared blinked, and mumbled an apology...it was true, he didn't think his eyes has left Jensen for one moment, since he had answered that phone call in Chicago. 

 

“Sorry, man....I'm just...” Jared started, but Jensen interrupted him saying, “I'm not suicidal, Jared! You should go...get some rest, call your agent, your w..” Jensen trailed, his voice breaking for a moment before he said, “call Gen...just get the fuck out of here!”

 

There was anger...rage in Jensen's voice now...and the relief Jared felt at seeing Jensen showing any kind of feeling, was almost staggering. Before that moment...the last time Jensen had showed any feeling, any sign he was actually _there_ , had been at the hospital, when Amy had died and his arms had wrapped around him, as his sobs wracked his body, as they had both cried.

 

When Jensen had pulled away, the mas had already been in place, his voice had been calm, his hands steady, and it had scared the fuck out of Jared.

 

“Did you hear me?” Jensen asked, breaking his train of thoughts, “what are you doing here anyway?”

 

Jensen frowned, genuine curiosity in his features and Jared realized that Jensen wasn't accusing him of anything, in that moment he honestly had no clue...didn't remember why he was there. He suspected there were gaps in Jensen's memory and he felt grateful for that.

 

“Where else am I supposed to be?” Jared asked, and it wasn't a rhetorical question. 

 

Jensen let out a laughter at his words, and Jared was scared...he didn't think he had ever heard such a sound: a mixture of desperation and bitterness, grief and rage...and he would have never thought that he'd hear it coming from Jensen. He'd never thought it could ever be directed at him. 

 

Jensen drew in a breath, and when he talked his voice was, once again, calm, soft, yet his words cut him to the quick when he said, “Get out, Jared...really...just leave me alone!”

 

Jared covered the distance between them in two short steps and his hand hesitated before resting on Jensen's shoulder and that gesture felt so **final,** so definitive that he couldn't help the chill that run down his spine. 

 

“No way...” He said, “I'm your best friend, Jen...”

 

Jensen pulled away from his touch, bolting up from the couch, taking two steps back from him. “Please...” Jensen said, “don't! Not _fucking_ now”. Jensen's words felt like his touch a moment before, they felt final...and Jared had to clench his jaws. 

 

If there had been anger...any kind of feeling in Jensen's voice he might have said something, anything, but he was silenced by how soft, how calm Jensen's voice had sounded.

 

“Jensen...” Jared started, but Jensen tilted a hand up to silence him and Jared, again, clenched his jaw.

 

“We've danced around this how long, J? This...” He gestured to the space between them, “it stopped being about _friendship_ a fucking long time ago, and look what brought us!”

 

“I didn't lie...I never lied about this, about us...” Jared said and his eyes were pleading Jensen, because if anything...he had to believe him about _that._

 

Jensen nodded, without looking at him, his gaze fixed on one of the walls, his hands in the pockets of his black trousers, “This isn't about love...or anything, J.” Only then did he look at him and said, “Go back to Gen...”

 

Jared felt breathless for a moment. He knew what Jensen meant. That was the end...it really was.

 

“No” He said, and if his voice came out desperate he would never remember, he didn't notice in that moment and neither did Jensen.

“I'm not going to leave you alone, now...”

 

Jensen's eye fixed on him, and for the first and only time since they had known each other, Jared read something akin pure hatred in the other man's eyes. It only lasted a moment, not even a second, then Jensen said, “I _am_ alone, J.” he shook his head and Jared saw that he was fighting against the tears that were welling up in his eyes, now.

 

“I'm begging you...get out of my life. _For real this time_ ” Jensen said, and apparently he had won his fight against his tears, because his eyes were dry, and his voice was firm.

 

It was him who was fighting tears, now, he tilted his head down asking, “Don't I have a say in the matter?”

 

Jensen didn't answer him at first, but Jared saw it in the other man's eyes...he felt it in his heart: he saw all the choices they had made, all the wrong turns...everything that had brought them, that night...and knew, even before Jensen talked what he would say.

 

“Not this time, man...”

 

All the words they had never said, out of pride, all the moments they had wasted, crystallized in one moment, as Jensen said, “We don't, J...now go back to your wife, please”

 

* * *

 

**Los Angeles, present day**

 

Jensen's apartment wasn't what he had expected, Jared thought looking around: it had just the bare minimum, it was Spartan to say the least.

 

Jensen had given him a nervous smile and said, “I just use this place to crash, I'm always on set...most of my stuff is still in New York...”

 

There were some pictures on the walls, though, pictures Jensen had taken, he recognized the style, he even recognized one of the pictures, Jensen had taken it in London, the first time they had been there, promoting Supernatural: people, lights and rain...it was a beautiful picture, and Jared smiled and pointing at the picture, turned toward Jensen saying, “I still have a copy of this one...”

 

Jensen nodded, he had changed into Jeans and a t-shirt. He indeed looked very tired...and curious.

 

“Want a beer?” Jensen asked. 

 

Jared nodded, feeling how surreal all of it was, how formal they were being...and he run a hand through his hair, nodding his thanks when Jensen handed him a beer, noticing he hadn't taken one for himself, settling for bottled water.

 

Jensen probably noticed his inquisitive look or maybe that kind of telepathy between them still existed because he said, “Not much of a drinker since...you know...”

 

Jared nodded. Jensen shrugged and added, “I had lived too many clichès already, didn't want to add that one to the list”

Jensen's tone had been matter of factly, without any resentment, yet Jared felt a pang of guilt. 

 

“How are you...?” Jensen asked. And Jared knew it was not the question he really wanted to ask, he didn't even know if Jensen really wanted him there...he was keeping his distance, sitting on a chair as he sat on the couch instead.

 

“I don't know” Jared answered truthfully. 

 

Jensen nodded and smiled, it was a small smile, but it was real, “I can relate to that...” he cleared his throat and said, “So you and Gen...?”

 

Jared shrugged, “Told you...I was a lousy husband”

 

Jensen nodded slowly at his words, never averting his gaze, he took a sip of water from his bottle, and then in a casual tone said, “So...what...you decided to give another try with me? Just for old time sake?”

 

Jared started, almost as if he had been slapped. Ok, he _definitely_ didn't see that one coming. 

 

He shook his head vehemently. “It wasn't like that...” he said, and he was surprised realizing his voice was coming out as a hiss.

 

Jensen cocked an eyebrow at him, “Really?” He asked. “and how was _that_?”

 

“Why are you channeling Dean, Jen?” Jared asked, getting up from the couch and looking at him.

 

“Why aren't you answering my question, J? How was that?” Jensen said, and he looked calm, and yes, the fucker was definitely channeling Dean Winchester...that meant he was scared. And pissed off.

 

“Because I wasn't in love with her” Jared said, “I tried...”

 

“And when it didn't work out, you thought, 'what the hell, let's see how Jensen is doing these days'”

Jensen said interrupting him. 

 

And it hurt hearing so much bitterness coming from him, but he smiled and said, “Actually that came later...Gen and I have been separated for six months”

 

“Because you didn't love her...” Jensen said. “yeah...you really should have gotten a clue with Sandy”

 

He got up from his chair and left the room and Jared sighed. That was going to be a _long_ conversation. But if Jensen thought he was going to give up, he was going to find out very soon how wrong he was. 

 

He was done running, it was time Jensen stopped too.

 

* * *

 

What the fuck was Jared doing there? What was going on? Jensen didn't think he'd ever miss the numbness, but in that moment's he'd give anything not to feel so much...and so many things.

 

Jared was right, he _had_ channeled Dean Winchester, and it had been years since last time he had pulled that. 

He was in the kitchen, now, and was _tha_ t close to fuck off his no alcohol policy and drink himself stupid...but at the last moment decided against it, shattering the bottle he had picked against a wall.

 

“Ok...” Jared said, entering the kitchen, one moment later, “And this is the moment where we talk”

 

“No, this is the moment where you tell me what the _fuck_ do you want from me!” Jensen exploded.

 

He was panting, now, he hadn't expected to react at Jared's words, he hadn't expected to feel so much, so strongly. He didn't think he could still feel so scared and hopeful at the same time. 

 

Jared took another step into the kitchen and Jensen hated the way he was looking at him, because he couldn't hide shit from Jared, he had never been able to...he hated that Jared could see the mess he was, how broken he was...even if he knew it was stupid. Jared knew, he had always known.

 

“You” Jared said simply, as if it explained everything. As if it was everything. And maybe it was for Jared. 

 

Jensen looked at Jared: he looked tired and scared...and hopeful. He wasn't the kid he had met and fallen in love with, he was a man, and the years and their choices had taken their toll on Jared as well...and yet, here he was, smiling a little smile, the warmth and hope radiating from his body, hurting Jensen...because he wanted so much to believe him. He _wanted_...he was starting to believe, and that was the scariest thing. 

 

“Until when?” Jensen asked. And he hated himself for talking, he hated himself for not falling into his arms like he wanted to, like he _needed_ to, but it was like he was frozen, his back against the sink, his heart hammering in his chest, his eyes heavy and the words that just kept coming out.

 

“Forever?” Jared said. He took another careful step toward him, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, his eyes warm and so full of love. 

 

And Jensen wanted so badly to believe him. He wanted so badly to believe they could have it: the forever thing, like he had once. 

 

“And what happens next time Hollywood comes knocking? Or our people call a meeting?” Jensen asked, instead, his voice thick with emotion, part of himself wanting to hurt Jared for being there, for how easy it was to fall in love with him all over again.

 

Jared shrugged, “Not gonna happen...we'll tell them to fuck off, tell them to join this century, we won't answer the phone.”

 

“I'm sure you believe it now,” Jensen said, and Jared's words were making him holding tighter on the edge of the sink, his words tasted like hope...like everything they used to have...and more. And he was terrified. And he was almost ashamed...because after everything....he could still be afraid. 

 

“Ask me again in ten years, my answer won't change.” Jared said, “What do I want from you? I want _us_...I want you grumpy in the morning because you are a zombie without caffeine in your system...” 

 

When Jensen opened his mouth to protest Jared said, “Shut up...you know it's true! They told me on set how rule number one is: 'stay the hell away from Ackles' coffee' and rule number two is, 'Don't talk to Ackles until he has finished his third cup'”

 

Jensen shook his head, wanting Jared to shut up, to go away, because ...because it was just too much. Because he could feel the smile on his lips, and it was weird, it felt out of place, like he truly had forgotten how to smile, and until that day...until Eliza had asked him whether that was his true laughter, he had forgotten how to...and things had been _fine..._ he had been able to keep it together. Jared Padalecki was a hurricane and he was smacked into it, and it was just _too much_.

 

“I want you to tell me I'm a fucking slob and an idiot, but you love me anyway...” Jared continued, moving another step, “I want a home with you, and I want to see you when you come back from set all hyper after a good day, or pissed off because of some asshole director....I want you when you call some poor writer or director in the middle of the night because you're anal retentive about your job and want things to be perfect....”

 

Jensen couldn't help a little smile at his words, but his voice was almost desperate when he said, “Please, Jared...”

 

“I want you making the bathroom hotter than Sahara desert, even in August, because you need your hot showers...and then have cold feet when you get in bed. I want you to rub my neck when I get back from set, and you go all mother hen on me...” 

 

“We had this...” Jensen said weakly. 

 

Jared nodded, “Yes we did, and we were two idiots...and something else I want? I want you to let go of that sink, poor bastard it did nothing to hurt you! Just fucking relax, Jensen...it's me. It's us!”

 

Jensen closed his eyes, “Don't...please...”

 

_It's us..._

He wanted to tell Jared that he was wrong, to have his ego checked, because they hadn't been an “us” for a very long time, that they had blown the chance they had had, but he couldn't...because in his heart, in his gut, he knew Jared was right: they were an _us_ , they had never really stopped. It had taken a moment that day on set to get that. 

 

“You asked me to leave that night, remember? You said that it hadn't been about friendship for a long time...and I did leave... and you were right...but it didn't work, Jen! It didn't! Did it work for you?”

 

Jensen opened his eyes and let out a weak laughter, “Like fucking magic, can't you see it?”

 

“I see you...” Jared said nodding, “and I see me...and it doesn't make a lick of sense unless we're together.”

 

Jared had closed the distance between them, now, but he wasn't touching him, he wasn't towering over him...he was just there, the warm presence that had been part of his life for so long, and so deeply that Jensen wondered how he had done without...how had he _breathed_ without it. 

 

“I tried, Jensen...I tried the easy way out, I tried to be a good husband, I tried to be the good trooper everyone wanted me to be...and I sucked.” Jared said.

 

“This is not a fairytale, Jared...” Jensen said, tried to be reasonable, because he knew all damn well, that fairy tales didn't exist, that life rarely gave you what you wanted, and when it did, it usually take it everything back with interests.

 

Jared nodded, “True...” His lips quirked in a smile, “but I swear, if you mean to pull a 'the way we were' on me I'll kick your ass.”

 

Jensen couldn't help it, he burst out laughing...and he didn't even remember when last time he had laughed that hard had been. 

“Dude,” he said, between fits of laughter, “Barbra Streisand, really?”

 

Jared shrugged still smiling, “I _will_ kick your ass...” he repeated.

 

He looked at Jared, envying for a moment how sure he looked, how confident, and when he moved, almost imperceptibly, to get closer to Jared he didn't even realize it at first, until their chest brushed and he saw how the hazel of Jared's eyes had gotten darker, he recognized the look, the passion...and there was something else, something he had never seen in Jared's eyes: a sense of wonder, like he couldn't believe his luck. 

 

“What do _you_ want from me, Jen?” Jared asked, breathed against his lips. 

 

What did he want? The simple, easy, true answer...was on the tip of his tongue, as he parted his lips, he was about to talk when the light suddenly went out.

 

“Deja vu” He heard Jared say and he couldn't help it, he rested his head again the man's shoulder for a moment, mumbling against his shirt, “I can't fucking believe it...”

 

“Don't tell me this is _not_ a sign...” Jared said as Jensen pulled back.

 

“Yeah, it's a sign that my electrician sucks...third time this month!” Jensen said...but he was smiling. 

 

A sign, indeed.

 

* * *

 

The moment had come and gone, but Jared was smiling, as he was sitting on the floor of Jensen's living room, the man next to him ...and they were talking, really talking, their shoulders and thighs brushing, and even if Jared was sure Jensen had been about to kiss him, right before the power went out – and it turned out that it was the black out had covered the whole building, not just Jensen's apartment - he didn't complain. 

 

Who the fuck he was kidding? Jared was happy. They were talking, catching up with years of silence and...those before, of self deception. 

 

“Why did you come to my show, Jay?” Jensen asked, and his voice was softer now, the bitterness and fear had faded, he was genuinely curious.

 

Jared run a hand through his hair, “Honestly, man? I just wanted to be in the same place with you and not having you send me away”

 

“It's not like you had tried before...” Jensen said, and there wasn't a hint of accusation in his voice...apparently they were trying to come to terms with their past that night....but Jared didn't have the heart to tell him that he _had_ tried. 

 

He didn't tell Jensen about how many times he had been tempted to go backstage, after one of his performances while he was in New York, he didn't tell him about how many times he had picked up the phone only to shake his head, remembering Jensen's plea and given up.

 

“Yeah....” Jared said. He let out a chuckle and added, “basically I was just desperate...” 

 

Jensen smiled and Jared nudged him with his elbow, “Shut up...at least I'm man enough to admit it! Even if it took me forever!”

 

Jensen closed his eyes and said, “You know it will never work, right?”

 

“The whole: 'what happens next time Hollywood knocks on your door' spiel?” Jared asked. “I don't give a fuck...”

 

Jensen shook his head, Jared reached over and took his face in his hands, “We were young, we fucked up, we were different people...would you do the same now, Jen? After everything....would you?”

 

And he didn't even know what he had asked, exactly...he wasn't sure whether he had meant the whole hiding in the closet, giving up on their relationship or the relationship itself. 

 

“My lifetime tune changed, Jared...” Jensen sighed, “I was in Japan, promoting a movie, doing a press junket...and I realized that I had fucked up my whole life for _that_....Danneel had died, Amy...” he trailed, “all of that because one day, I got scared and hurt...and I didn't stop being scared for years.”

 

Jared nodded. “You didn't answer my question” he said softly.

 

Jensen looked at him, and Jared wasn't even surprised when he felt breathless...because Jensen's eyes had always had that power over him, and he was starting to suspect – with good reason – that it would never change. 

 

“I think...” Jensen said slowly, as the space between them seemed to fill with warmth, “that it was a loaded question”

 

“Maybe” Jared replied, and he was sure, positive, that the space between them was getting thinner and thinner, he could almost feel Jensen breath against his face, now. 

 

“I wouldn't pick up the phone either...” Jensen said...but he didn't reply to the other entendre of the question, he moved, a soft brush of fabric that Jared heard distinctly in the thick silence of the room, and his lips covered his. 

 

It was a chaste, lingering kiss...and Jared had to still, as he felt his heart pounding in his chest, because Jensen was lightly trembling, because part of him was still running, was still afraid...part of him, he suspected, would always grieve, but he was there...for him, he wasn't going anywhere. Not ever.

 

Jensen breathed, against his lips, “Ask me again” he said.

 

And Jared got right away what Jensen meant, his hand went up to Jensen's neck,and his skin was as soft as he recalled, it was still familiar and new, exciting at the same time. “What do _you_ want?” He breathed.

 

Jensen pulled back, looking at him, for a moment, “I want your sneakers in the middle of the living room because you think that's their place, I want to trip over them and be a bitch about it....I want to see you geek out when you see an action figure or the umpteenth DVD special edition of Star Wars” he pecked his lips, “I want coffee in bed in the morning and you being high on sugar and adrenaline”

 

“Yeah...about that...” Jared said sheepishly, “Metabolism is a bitch...”

 

“Shut up...” Jensen said, kissing him again, and there was passion, now, in his kiss, “I want to forget what are my shirts and what are yours and not care if people see or notice _when_ we wear each other's clothes...” Jensen hand trailed up, and went to his neck, they were holding each other, now, and Jensen rested his forehead against his for a moment, “And I'm still scared...because I know _us_ ”

 

“We have changed...” Jared said. 

 

The last candle burnt out, leaving them in the dark, leaving just Jensen's lips covering his, again.

 

“We have...” Jared repeated, pulling away. He couldn't see Jensen, not in the dark; he could just feel his hands, on his shoulders, firm and warm, the ghost of his breath tickling against his lips.

 

He needed Jensen to believe him...and he needed to know that he could trust Jensen...and there was just one way to show Jensen and to himself, so, he took a deep breath, and stilled Jensen as he kissed him, again. 

His sister was right: he _was_ an idiot....but he was one who wouldn't make the same mistake, again. 

 

“Jensen...” he breathed and he could feel the man's stare on him, now, and he could basically hear his “what now?” , even if Jensen wasn't speaking, his lips were still dangerously close to his, and so very tempting. 

 

“We fucked during a black out the first time...” Jared said, his voice suddenly thick, remembering for a second, that night...how it had felt...and how he had left Jensen's bed afterwards.

 

“Yeah...” Jensen said, “I remember, I was there...”

 

“Not gonna make that mistake again, man....” Jared said. “Go to bed...”

 

“Are you going all prince charming on me, J?” Jensen said. 

 

“We _have_ changed.” Jared said, “go to bed...get some sleep...I'll crash here, and I'll _still_ be here when you wake up...if you...” he hesitated, “want me to...”

He could feel his heart drumming in his chest, as silence fell in the room, and the only thing he could hear was Jensen's breath. He hoped, prayed that Jensen got him...like he always had. He hoped Jensen had let himself believe him. 

 

He felt the seconds passing, time almost slowing down, and he started when he felt Jensen's lips, warm, pressing against his temple, and then a mumbled, “God, I _hate_ you...”

 

He smiled, even though he felt on the verge of tears, even though part of him wanted to reach out when he heard Jensen getting up and hold him, to make sure he would2in't go away, that it was really happening. 

 

“There's a spare toothbrush in the second drawer in the bathroom” Jensen said after a second, his voice hoarse...and Jared was sure, even if he couldn't see him, that Jensen's hand had gone to the back of his neck, as he always did when he was nervous about something. 

 

Jared let out a breath he hadn't even realized he had been holding. Actually it felt like he was really breathing for the first time in years and judging by the sound Jensen had just made, it had to be the same for him. 

 

“I _really_ hate you” Jensen said under his breath as he left the room

 

“Yeah, I know...” Jared called after him, he closed his eyes, tilting his head back, resting it against the couch, against which they had sat all night and said, “me too...”

 

He didn't know how long he stayed in the dark, letting his body relax, the tension of the day slowly leaving him, all he knew was that he was half-asleep, on the couch, when he felt a nudge; out of old habit he moved, making room to Jensen – and one day he'd really try and understand how it was physically even possible that they always managed to do that – he furrowed his brow, and said, “J?”

 

“Shut up” Jensen said 

 

“But...” Jared protested. 

 

“Forever starts now...” Jensen just said.

 

Jared smiled, his arms automatically wrapping around Jensen's shoulders, the other man's breath against his neck. He was too tired to tell Jensen that they might have moved into his bedroom, too tired to crack a joke. 

Too happy to care.

 

* * *

 

 

**New York, June**

 

“How do you feel?” Jared asked.

 

Jensen took a deep breath, “I think I'm about to throw up”

 

Jared rolled his eyes at him, “Seriously, dude? By the way...nice move working during hiatus. And the Scarlet Letter? 'cause VCS isn't heavy enough?”

 

 

 

Jensen shrugged, they had already discussed that, every day actually, in some form, “Thought it fit at the time...”

 

Jared shook his head, “Yeah, yeah...ok, I'll let you focus and concentrate and do your serious actor thing...you know where I'll be” 

 

He leant over him and kissed him, lingering, teasing him, taking his time....almost as if Jensen wasn't due on stage in ten minutes. 

 

Jared was kissing him almost as if they had all the time in the world, and even if sometimes Jensen still woke up waiting for the other shoe to drop, the rest of the time he was really starting to feel like they had it: all the time of the world. 

 

Forever, apparently, had started with them waking up all tangled up on his couch, with a morning breath kiss and a joint shower, where Jared had let go of his prince charming stunt, and made him see stars and cry out his name as he had come; it had continued with breakfast eaten at the small table in his kitchen and Jensen informing Jared of his work commitments. 

 

Jared had nodded, wolfed down a bagel and then said, “Ok...lemme make a phone call”, and Jensen had had his first real taste of _forever_ ...and it had been fucking fantastic. Jared had left the kitchen to make his phone call and Jensen had heard him arguing with his agent, something about work when Jared had ordered his agent to, “get me the fuck out of it...I don't care how”.

 

There had been a pause, during which Jared had paced his living room, his eyes fixed on the pictures on the wall, a little smile on his lips when his eyes had lingered on the one taken in London and Jensen had looked at him from the door-frame of his kitchen, thinking that it wasn't really happening, that it **had** to be a dream, but then Jared had said in a clipped tone of voice, “Yeah, I'm with him...” and Jensen had found himself holding his mug tighter in his hands, waiting for the words...waiting for Jared's shoulders to tense, for the frown to mark his brow ...like it had always happened. 

 

Except that it had _not_ happened! What had happened was that Jared said, “Last time I checked it was _you_ working for me, not the other way around! So here's how it works: you shut the fuck up about my personal life and do what I'm paying you for...or we're going to have a problem!”

 

There had been another pause, during which Jared had listened to what his agent was probably telling him and apparently Jared had looked more interested in the few books that were on a shelf than in his agent's words, as Jensen saw him tilting his head to better read the titles.

Jared eventually had sighed and said, “Yes, I have...and believe me: I'm so past the point of caring or wanting to have this kind of conversation”

 

Jared had turned toward him and had smiled...and Jensen had lived a moment of utter confusion, because there hadn't been frown lines or worry on Jared's features, he had just looked vaguely annoyed at what his agent had been telling him, he had even rolled his eyes at one point and said, “Fine! Duly noted: I will never become a star, my career will be over, all those years of hard work and sacrifices will be wasted and bla bla bla...I know the speech by heart, man, and it's bullshit, so fuck you, I really don't care! Now can you get me out of that contract or not?” He had snorted and then said, “Good...call me when it's done”

 

Jared had hung up the phone and Jensen had asked, “What was that?”

 

“A phone call” Jared had replied with a shrug of his shoulders. 

 

“Yeah, I got that...but...” Jensen had trailed. Jared had grinned at him and said, “Oh, you mean this?” he had showed him the phone and then thrown it on the couch, “That was me freeing my schedule”

 

“Why?” Jensen had asked, honestly confused. 

 

Jared had smiled taking some steps toward him, “Just...cause...” 

 

Jensen had rolled his eyes at him, “Dude...new rule: no quoting or channeling old characters, ok?”

 

Jared had laughed as he had closed the distance between them and had said, “I'm coming with you to New York...and if you're going to ask why...”

 

Jensen had opened his mouth to protest and Jared had tilted a finger up to silence him, “Ima whup your ass!”

 

Jensen had cocked an eyebrow at him as his free hand wrapped around Jared wrist, still not sure whether to pull his finger away from his mouth or to pull the man closer, eventually Jared had pulled lightly away and Jensen had asked in casual tone, “So you didn't do it to show me how serious and shit you are about us?”

 

Jared had given him a sheepish grin and had said, “Partially yes, but I really want to come with you, if you'll have me...”

 

They'd still been close, both leaning against the door frame, Jensen had still been holding his mug, and it had smacked him right in that moment, how close Jared really was, how warm his stare had been...and he had had to clear his throat before saying, “I think I can do that...”

 

Jared had grinned, looped and arm around Jensen's shoulder and had added, “Also? It was a long overdue fuck you I owed him”

 

“Won't hear any arguments from me about that...”

 

Forever had continued with Jared being true to his word and following him to New York...and being there, waiting for him home – his old apartment had suddenly, magically become a _home_ and Jared had even dragged him on a shopping spree one Saturday morning, claiming that he hadn't been aware his boyfriend had become a hermit, living a frugal life. He had even threatened to sic Megan on him when he had tried to resist - .

 

Jared had been there...just out of sight as he had done some press for VCS's season finale and Jensen had done the same as Jared did some promotion for one of his movies. They had both been silent presences in green rooms of talk shows, and in the adjoining room of hotels. 

 

Jared had been there, supporting him during rehearsal, and had been there every night, for every show, behind the scenes, fondly teasing him for his choice – and forever had kinda made it skip a heartbeat when Jared had said, “Next year we'll take a vacation, Jen...” - 

 

Jared had teased him...but there had been pride for him in his eyes ...and he had always been there, waiting for him in his dressing room. Every night...except that one; it was the last night, the last run of the play and Jared had told him that afternoon that he wanted to watch the play and wanted to be on the front row. “I won't even fangirl. Too much. I promise!” He had said grinning at him.

 

Jensen had just rolled his eyes at him and smiled at his request, but had thought nothing of it, and he was still thinking Jared was being unnecessarily sweet about it as he left his dressing room that night. 

 

Forever became just a chunk more real that night, just 5 minutes before he was due on stage as Phyllis, the costume assistant fussed over him. She had worked basically on every play Jensen had worked on and Jensen thought that he hadn't even realized or cared that he worked with the same people for years, over and over...he hadn't really noticed them, wrapped as he had been in his own thick cloud of numbness...he had no idea how much those people had watched him...and cared for him. 

 

Phyllis smiled at him fondly and said, “I'm glad you will see him tonight...”

 

They were backstage, so the woman had whispered her words and Jensen who was already in Reverend Dimmesdale's head space looked down at the woman who was adjusting his collar, frowning in confusion, “Sorry, who?” he whispered.

 

“Jared...” The woman replied as if it was obvious.

 

Jensen was still frowning, and started when the woman placed a hand on his chest, a look of genuine surprise on her round face and gray eyes as she whispered, “You didn't know?”

 

If he hadn't been backstage, forced to keep his voice as low as possible, he would have exclaimed, “Know what?” because he was still at a loss. What the hell was she talking about? Instead he just shook his head. 

 

“Your boy” The woman whispered as she straightened his clothes, “he used to come to every play you did. He never missed one. One of us always saw him. He always left right before the lights went up”

 

Jensen looked at her in disbelief as she continued, talking in a quiet, barely audible voice, “Actors come and go...but the crew remains the same here...we talk” She looked at him and Jensen noticed for the first time the genuine fondness in her look, “and we care....”

 

The assistant director made a sign to Jensen and he knew he had one minute left. 

 

Jensen shook his head, try to clear his thoughts but the only thing that came out from his mouth was, “Are you sure?”

 

The woman nodded, totally oblivious of the magnitude of what she had just said, of what it meant for Jensen...or maybe she did, because she smiled and whispered, “Tonight you'll see him”

 

_I won't even fangirl. Too much. I promise!_

 

_It's not like you had tried before...._

 

“Son of a bitch...” Jensen said right before entering the stage, fighting not to smile. 

That night, even if for completely different reasons Jensen felt the heart ache, he felt all the love and fears of his character. And he did _see_ Jared, sitting on the front row, watching him with rapt attention, the pride and the love in his eyes impossible to ignore.

 

 

That night, Jensen Ackles really believed in forever. Later, hours later, after they had got back home - their home...his mind supplied – after he had pinned Jared against the door, the second he had closed it, hungrily kissing his mouth, after their clothes ended up on the floor, buttons ripped scattering everywhere, mouths clashing, hips grinding, blunt nails scraping each other's backs, after his senses were filled with Jared: the way he tasted, his smell, the sounds he made, the way he captured his gaze and locked it as they made love, after Jared came crying out his name, as he spilled inside of him, his hands gripping Jared's hips so hard that he was sure he had left bruises, after he kissed his chest, feeling the man's erratic pulse, trailing his tongue, teasing his nipples as he savored Jared's musk and how it mingled with his, when they were in each other's arms he said, “I think I fell in love with you right away, you know? I was slow on the uptake but...”

 

“You don't say...” Jared deadpanned, as his fingertips left feather like caresses on his arms, making him shiver. He swallowed, and ignoring Jared's teasing tone said, “I sent you away that night because...”

 

“Jensen...” Jared started, his body going tense, a hand reaching for his, in the half darkness of their bedroom, finding it.

 

“I felt so guilty...” Jensen said. And sure, he had been aware of that. He had intellectually known he had felt guilty as hell, for a lot of reasons, but it was the first time he admitted it out loud...and it took his breath away for a moment. 

 

“I know...” Jared said, not adding more, giving him the time, the space – metaphorically speaking, since he had wrapped himself even more around him – to talk. Jensen rested his head against the pillow and said, “You had come to me, remember? And I didn't care about Danni, about my daughter...I was just so _happy_....and then, after, you didn't leave...you never left my side”

 

“Jen...” Jared trailed, but Jensen interrupted him saying, “You just...didn't give up”

 

“I'm a bullheaded bastard, don't you know?” Jared asked teasingly, but Jensen could feel how fast the man's heart was beating now. It was hard to keep things while naked together...and yet they used to, they pretended to in the past. 

 

He cast a glance at Jared, noticing the worry in his eyes; Jared was worried about him, he was confused, he was probably wondered what the hell was possessing him and what fucked up pillow talk they were going to have that night. 

 

Jensen smiled and said, “The point is ...” he trailed unsure of what to say...and he couldn't help it, he chuckled at his own words before saying, “Fuck, I don't even know what the point is...maybe that I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with a bullheaded giant with stalkerish tendencies?”

 

Jared pulled away from him, and Jensen could clearly see his lips spreading in a grin. 

 

“Dude, did you really come to...?” Jensen started and Jared waves his hand dismissively and said, “Yeah...I was the creep who always looked at you from afar, pining and shit....but rewind! What did you just say?”

 

“That you're a bullheaded giant?” Jensen said...and trust Jared Padalecki to be matter of factly about something like _that,_ to keep his mouth shut about it, while Jensen still couldn't wrap his mind around it.

 

“No, idiot! The other part!” Jared said, rolling his eyes and for a moment Jared was again the kid he had met when he had first read for Supernatural: full of life, his eyes twinkling with joy and hope. 

 

“That I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with you?” Jensen asked...and he couldn't help it: he was grinning like an idiot, they both were. He shrugged, and said, “Told you I was slow on the uptake...”

 

Jared groaned but there were tears in his eyes, “So...” he said after a moment, in a nasal voice, “Guess we're still on board with that forever thing?”

 

“Guess so...” Jensen said. 

 

“Good...” Jared said, leaning in for a kiss, reclaiming his place in his arms.

 

Jensen closed his eyes, he was almost asleep when Jared said, “Jen?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“You rocked as Iago” Jared said sleepily. 

 

Jensen chuckled at the man's words but said, “Oh, blow me...”

 

Jared yawned against his chest then mumbled, “First thing tomorrow, too tired now...”

 

Forever felt real...and Jensen finally believed in it. He believed in _them._

 

**Epilogue**

 

**Los Angeles, August**

 

The Emmy nominations to VCS hadn't come as a surprise to anyone, when they had been announced, except to Jensen who really didn't see his own coming. To Jared he looked adorable, he was still incredulous, as they were sitting in the Limo, just waiting their turn to walk the red carpet...together.

 

The network, of course, would have rather Jensen attend the event with Eliza, his sister...or some random chick or on his own...and Jared had been immensely proud of Jensen when he had told them off, telling them that he was done with any pretending shit and his private life was off limits, as per the contract they had signed. 

 

Besides it wasn't like the rumor mill about them wasn't already running high...but unlike the last time they didn't care. They were definitely too old for that shit. 

And it wasn't like they were going to walk the red carpet holding hands. 

 

“I can't even get wasted...” Jensen complained, taking a deep, calming breath and running a hand through his hair. 

 

Jensen wasn't wearing his wedding ring any more, the only piece of jewelry he was wearing was an old watch, one Jared had given him over ten years before. 

 

“Ready?” Jared asked as the Limo stopped. Jensen nodded, “As I'll ever be...”

 

“Just remember to smile...and don't forget the speech!”

 

“Fuck you” Jensen hissed, but he was smiling and his eyes were twinkling. 

 

“Later” Jared replied smiling, as the valets opened the doors. 

 

It was a surreal experience, Jared would think later. Jensen had been the consummate professional on the red carpet, turning his charm on, and still looking utterly adorable with how incredulous he was that he had been nominated and he had had the perfect excuse to be there, since he had guest starred on his show and was now on the verge of becoming a semi recurring character ; the easy banter with Jensen and Eliza, who had joined them for some of the interviews on the red carpet had been actually fun and as the evening went on, the surreal feeling kept going up...and Jared realized, just as some English chick announced the nominations for Lead Actor in a Drama Series, that he was happy...that they had gotten the second – fuck, maybe even the third – chance they deserved and they were enjoying it...living every second of it at its fullest. 

 

“And the winner is...” His knee pressed against Jensen's in silent encouragement. 

 

“Jensen Ackles, for VCS!” She announced.

 

The disbelief on Jensen's face was comical and he was laughing as both he and J.C who was sitting on Jensen's left basically had to push him up. 

 

Jensen looked honestly dumbfounded as he came up on stage to accept the award.

 

“Uh...” He started, he looked at the award as he thanked the crew, JC, Eliza, Anna and the people at the Network; he tilted his head up and looked at the ceiling for a second, without saying a word, and Jared smiled as he knew that Jensen was silently thanking Danneel and Amy...and he found himself grinning from ear to ear as Jensen ended his speech saying, “And to the idiot who keeps leaving his sneakers in the living room: thank you for not giving up”

 

Jensen looked at him, a matching grin on his face, and although he was aware of the cameras on him, of Jensen having basically outed them, he didn't care, he couldn't stop grinning back at him as he clapped his hands, because that forever thing? They might have taken a long way to get the hang of it, but now? They were totally kicking ass at it. 

 

  * The end





End file.
